Up until a few years ago, I had been suppressing much of my true desires.

I remember being a 4 or 5 year old little girl living in a tall building in Hong Kong and having this urge to push all of the buttons in the elevator. This is a very-annoying-to-adults desire that many kids that age want… (To a 4 year old brain, this is amazing! You push it, and it lights up, so why wouldn’t you want to? ✨?)

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be a ‘good girl’ and I told myself that one day I’ll be an adult and I can do that whatever I want.

Except one day, I became an adult and I was so accustomed to “being good” and not listening to my desires, that I disconnected from that part of myself.

I could had listened to that inner desire, even if it was naughty. But I could hear my mother scolding me and calling me “Yiay-yiay” (naughty in Cantonese), which I never wanted to be. And so, I took all that “Yiay-yiay”-ness desire and stuffed it in into a jar labeled “Do not open” for a very long time.

Stuffing desires became my go-to habit.

As the years gone by, I developed a subconscious automatic strategy and took any desire and stuffed it in into an energetic jar, suppressing it, without feeling it, or taking a peek at what it could be.

This habit became like clock-work. I didn’t even need to think about it, because it was easier that way. This way, I never have to be “Yiay-yiay” to adult eyes — and if I’m never “Yiay-yiay”, I don’t have to defend myself for being naughty. I don’t have to be scolded, and therefore, feel unloved.

Instead of trying to pursue my true desires, I took on desires others wanted for me. As an adult, I pursued ego ambitions that were uncontroversial. Ambitions that would secure love, and avoid the unloving glare that signaled that I was I wasn’t being a good girl.

Years back at my corporate job, I remember waiting for the elevator on the way to work, and recalled that little girl who wanted to push all the buttons. I’m an adult now…. I can push all the buttons if I want! But as an adult, that sounds no fun at all. As a responsible adult, if I push all the buttons, I’d have to sit through every floor. …And I’ve seen enough things light up… it’s not new. It’s no fun anymore…. The desire had passed.

Now, I can see that each desire has a due date.

Each desire has a a distinct moment in time when it comes through our bodies.

Desires are meant to be received in present time. We receive each desire based on our present-time self; a potential, that when activated may lead to joy or a new path.

If we let the moment pass, the desire may shift. We may find we don’t want it anymore. Or are unable to act on it anymore.

It’s okay, really, because new desires will come, we don’t need to fret about those old desires. There’s no use holding onto that little girl desire, and all the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’s’ from a long time ago.

But rather, empowering ourselves by noticing today, to choose to be with our desires, so that we give ourselves the opportunity for joy, right now.

Of course not all desires can be fulfilled right now. Some desires take time and / or planning, and we can’t just fulfill it in this moment. Maybe we don’t know how to fulfill the desire, and it’s too big for us to do ourselves.

If it is something we truly want, then take a step towards it. It can be a big step or small step.

It can be a teeny-tiny step.

This tiny step may seem insignificant, but it is vital. It’s a way to communicate to the Universe and the Divine, “I am ready to embrace this desire.” It is a signal that you’re open to receiving help.

It may seem counterintuitive, but a tiny step is like a surrender… asking the Universe to show a way through.

If we make an effort, then so will the Universe.

But in order for all this to happen, we must first give ourselves permission to desire. To see and be aware of any tiny stuffing jars, that suppresses current-moment desires, so that we can embrace each desire as an opportunity for joy.

So what is it? — What do you desire? Listen in.

In gratitude, Bonnie
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Hi Joe, it’s your wife, Bonnie. Here we are…. Almost a year after heading to Love Story Chapel, I get to proclaim our love once again, this time, in front of loved ones.

In the past year, I sometimes I would look over at you on the couch in awe… In my mind, I’d say to myself.. Wait, did I really marry Joe from SEGA? He’s my husband now. That’s so weird.

Back then, I didn’t really know you. I knew you were chill, for a lawyer. And I appreciated that you promptly sent the NDAs I asked you to. But I had no idea of your sweet, compassionate nature. Your big heart, your dedication to authenticity, and your amazing ability to communicate and listen. (despite occasional motor mouth tendencies)

I often want to shout out on the roof tops what our relationship is like, because it is so beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself. Sure, there are the things that you do. Washing every dish in the house, impromptu foot rubs, tucking me in every night, and ordering appetizers on the menu that you know I want but my ‘nine-ness’ would not ask for. And of course, all the silliness and fun we have being the hottest couple in Novato. But it’s mainly about how you make me feel and the person that you are.

In thinking about this first year of our marriage, the key word I feel is SAFE. That may not sound sexy to everyone, but oohhh… it is. The way you allow me the spectrum of my emotions, giving me permission to feel how I feel, I know I am emotionally safe. The way you ask for what I need, how I can be supported, and how you own your healthy masculine energy, I know I am physically safe. And the way you allow me to be who I am, listening to my ever-evolving truths without trying to change me, I know I am spiritually safe.

And so in my vows, I vow to do the same for you. I vow to learn from you, to be better at sharing my emotions, needs and desires. I vow to maintain a space for your Cancer self to be emo, sensitive, caring and protective. I vow to announce my grumpiness before it gets the better of me, so you may know where my Taurus moon stands. I vow to care for you, including cook you beans, rub your back and make sure the grape fairy is doing her job. And as per my previously stated vows, I will continue to listen to your stories, existential crises and effusive arguments, as well as vow to laugh at your jokes and your farts… and of course, let’s not forget…. I vow to never buy containers for your weed.

In the past few months, we’ve had our ups and downs. But those ups and downs have only shown me that my original decision to commit to you without a single doubt proved valid…  there’s no one else I’d rather travel into the mysterious unknown with. 5 years ago, when I sat across from you at your desk discussing Peanut Labs, I had no idea that you’d one day be my husband. And so, here we are. As we stand across from each other with family and friends gathered, we don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’ll happen, and all of the joys, sorrows, excitements, that are coming our way.  I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds, together with you.

I love you, my Joe-gong. Now, let’s party like nobody’s business.

-From Bonnie to Joe
May 6, 2023

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I was reading Tosha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money, when my solar plexus, 3rd chakra, became quite agitated. All sorts of anxiety came up.

Over the years, I have had a love-hate relationship with my 3rd chakra. Our 3rd chakra, located two inches above the belly button, rules our personal power, identity, and energy distribution. 

On a good day, our 3rd chakra is our place of empowerment, boundaries, and motivation. On a bad day, it is defensive, overly protective, egoic.

I felt my 3rd chakra knocking unhappy, as I read Tosha’s words like “It’s handling any burden — whether a desire, attachment, illness, finances, or anything — back to God.”

This surrender faith talk had me reeling with anxiety. I decided to stop, and close my eyes to have a chat with my 3rd.

Here is the conversation:

Me: Hey, third chakra, what’s up?

3rd Chakra: Ah.. I don’t know about this.

Me: You don’t know about what?

3rd Chakra: Letting go.

Me: Letting go of what? Control?

3rd Chakra: Yeah. My job is to protect you. I want to protect you.

Me: I understand. What do you need in order to feel safe?

3rd Chakra: Proof.

Me: Proof of what?

3rd Chakra: That it’s going to be okay.

Me: We can’t know for sure. We can’t be certain of the future.

3rd Chakra: Yeah, that’s true. Any proof would only be false proof. Can you just make it easier on me?

Me: How can I do that?

3rd Chakra: I’m glad you’re listening to me.

Me: I’m so glad, third chakra.

3rd Chakra: I want you to hear me. I want to know what’s going on. I’m a voice that wants to be heard.

Me: I will listen to you from now on.

3rd Chakra: I feel better, I can let it go.

Me: Good.

My third chakra wanted “proof” — proof that everything will be okay. This is old programming that says: before you make a decision, find proof. Proof it will turn out okay. Proof of success.

Except that the proof doesn’t actually exist. We think that the more proof we can get the safer we will be. We can be informed to the best of our ability, but when it comes down to it, it’s about just taking a jump — a leap of faith.

Faith and surrender carries no proof. And there are no guarantees. Only a feeling in our heart on whether we feel it’s the right direction.

Sometimes, I can intellectually understand, but inside my body, the programming still exists.

My poor ole’ 3rd chakra was holding that programming for me. Because she’s the center of my identity, she holds the voice of what I’ve been taught and believed for a long time.

As a former atheist and professional analyst, I was still holding onto the belief that we need concrete evidence, data, and the only thing we can rely on is our own ability. No one’s out there to help us. I believed that “faith is for suckers” who aren’t capable.

When I think back to that Bonnie, I realized that she was afraid.

But it’s okay. This proof-mongering belief protected me, which is what I needed at the time. It prevented me from getting hurt, being disappointed when things didn’t work out. If I relied on myself then I only have myself to blame.

Which meant, a whole lot of self-blaming. Which wasn’t fun.

These days, I’m finding that there is a balance between faith and reality in which we can exist.

This “need for proof” doesn’t really belong to either faith or reality. It’s old, and it no longer serves me

I’m ready to let it go, but first I had to recognize that I still held onto this belief.

And sometimes that’s all we need to do, in order to heal. Place our attention on what’s been buried within us. Giving it permission to surface.

Thank you, 3rd chakra, for holding and bring to my attention this old belief that I “need for proof” — I’m ready to let it go. 

Release.

⁠
In gratitude, Bonnie
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We need bold ones.
We need quiet ones.
We need nurturing ones.
We need stern ones.

We need heart.
We need anger.
We need passion.
We need empathy.

We need to be heard.
We need to be still.
We need to be impactful.
We need to be real.

We need imagination.
We need practicality.
We need feelings.
We need vision.

Join hands
In heart, mind, body, spirit
With that, which you do not know.
Together, it makes us whole.

⁠
In gratitude, Bonnie
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Have you ever had one of those relationships where you feel judged by someone? I mean, I’m sure you have. Everyone has. Maybe they act cold around you, or say little things (or big things like be right out critical — but that’s a whole other article about boundaries).

As the holidays approach and we’re around more family, feelings of judgment can get more intense. For a few years now, I call going home for the holidays “Spiritual Bootcamp” — every year I test my spiritual prowess. Was I able to be neutral against my mom’s little judgy remarks? How many times did I get triggered? How many times did she make me feel like I’m 6 years old again, instead of the adult that I am.

Over the years, it’s gotten better, but it never completely goes away. As one of my teachers says, “If you’ve got no more issues, you’d be dead.” We’re all here to grow, learn, and be more conscious, or at least that’s what I’m here on Earth for. I’m also here for buttery mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and roasted brussel sprouts (can you tell I’m ready for Thanksgiving?)

I’m taking a post-graduate class at my spiritual alma mater, Psychic Horizons and as I’m looking at my “issues” I realized that my feeling judged is a reflection of my own judgment running rampant in my mind. Just the fact that I am complaining about them judging me, shows that I am also judging them! It can feel good to our egos to judge others, especially if you’re feeling judged yourself. Deep down, my subconscious is fighting them: Oh yeah, you’re going to judge me? I’m going to judge you back! 

We may convince ourselves that our own thoughts are not harming anyone; they’re my private thoughts, I can think what I want. Although that’s partially true, these little judgments are intentions, and can invite more judgment in. And even though it makes our egos feel good to judge someone because then, we can feel like we’re better than them, judgment can block our hearts from opening. It can block love, joy, and all of that juicy stuff that feels even better than stroking our egos.

So then, what do we do? We can feel hurt by others’ judgments, but we can’t control the behavior of others. (Again, if someone is being super critical, then boundaries may be necessary, but even then, we can only do so much.) As I tuned into this issue, I was getting that it’s up to us to take ourselves out of the judgment tussle. If others want to judge me, then they’re doing them, nothing I can do about it. All I can do is not engage in the judgment tug-of-war. 

If you’re trying to get out of your own judgment tug-of-war situation with someone, try this:

Close your eyes and imagine the person who you feel judged by. Say to them in your mind, “I allow you to be who you are, in this present moment.”  Repeat it as necessary. Repeat it when you feel judged by them.

By allowing someone else to be who they are, just the way they are, judgment and all, we take ourselves out of the equation. We take our power back by not engaging.

Ultimately, if we are feeling judged and judging others, it is only mirroring our own judgment of ourselves. Are we perhaps not allowing ourselves to be who we are, just as we are, in this present moment? There’s no need to beat ourselves up over it, as judgment is a sneaky bugger. All we can do is become aware, more mindful, and choose to let go of the judgment. And steadily give ourselves more and more permission to be who we are. That is all we can do — and it is enough.

⁠

In gratitude, Bonnie
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Sometimes I wonder…

Is life just a string of small moments of courage?

For some reason, when I think of courage, I think of someone who is seemingly fearless. The consummate go-getter.

Joan of Arc. Martin Luther King Jr. Amelia Earhart. Greta Thunberg. 

People who persist, no matter what.

They’re great role models. 

But somehow they seem larger than life. A courage so strong, so big, it’s unachievable.

They seem to have a courage that I do not have. An endless amount that pours out of them, like the lions they are.

I am not them.

But, what I do have, are small moments of courage.

Making tiny leaps that may not seem all that courageous, but it is to me.

Those times when I share a part of myself, when I am afraid of rejection.

Those times when I put myself out there, when I’m afraid of failure.

Those times when I open my heart, when I’m afraid to be seen.

I live for those small moments of courage.

I leap, and I wait.

I look to see — did I get hurt?

Whether the result is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ — there is nothing like transcending through fear by jumping straight into the belly of possible hurt.

And finding out, ‘Hey, I’m alright.” 

I leaped, and I’m alright.

⁠

In gratitude, Bonnie
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I sat on a fallen tree
To rest my feet.
My hand nestled on its back
I became aware of its life.
You’re alive! I surmised.
Yes, the tree said.
But you are no longer alive
Like that tree over there
Standing tall.

I remember those days.
Growing was not easy,
the tree recalled.
I grew and grew.
Weathering storms, frost,
heat and droughts.
Still, I kept going.
That’s how you grow. 

One day, I fell over,
and my purpose was born.
Now I lay awaiting weary travelers.
Give them a place to take a rest.
I could not have come into my purpose without
Growing growing growing.
Through all the storm, frost,
heat, drought.

As time goes on
A new purpose will be born.
A place for little creatures to hide
And feast
Nourishment for soil
And the unseen.
I may transform but I am never gone.

I had no idea
The segment of a fallen tree
Could be a sage.
I thanked it
For its wisdom.
I left on my merry way
So that I may continue to grow
To become a place for weary travelers.

⁠

In gratitude, Bonnie
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For the first 30-something years of my life, I didn’t think I would change my name if I got married. As an independent gal with a fairly successful career, I didn’t need a man, and I didn’t want a man to “own” me.

Marriage as Patriarchy

The concept of marriage is tinged with patriarchy — for centuries, women were married off to a man’s family to serve ‘the man’ and his family. Women had no rights and no say as to what happens in their lives, with all of their power in her husband’s hands. In some places, this patriarchy is unfortunately still rampant.

I fully recognize my luck in living in a society with changed laws and philosophies where women have the right to choose their life. Despite our modern ideals, for a long time, I struggled with feeling like I lacked power. I believe that we as women inherited this disempowerment despite changes, through old programming, patriarchal systems that still exist — micro and macro. 

Beyond this, there’s something deep within us that is the modern woman’s struggle — it’s like it’s in our DNA just by simply being born / identifying as a woman. Even in my seemingly successful career, I struggled with power dynamics with the other men in my job and in my own romantic relationships. Feeling dismissed, I fought for respect and control, wanting recognition and validation in all areas of my life.

My power is mine to give away

It was a few years ago when a huge ‘aha’ moment came as I struggled with my relationships at my male-dominated workplace. It may be true that some men do not respect me and do not want to recognize and validate me — but this desire is completely futile. I disempower myself by expecting their respect. Only I can give myself that respect, recognition and validation — and a question came up in my mind: am I respecting myself?

I am not respecting myself when I demand something that’s out of my control. If I give myself the respect I deserve, it doesn’t matter that some men aren’t willing to give it to me. By wanting their respect, I give them my power. Power can only be taken from me, if I give it away. By wanting their respect, their recognition, their validation, I hand my power over to them by allowing others to define whether I deserve respect.

Reclaiming my Feminine Power

And so, I reclaimed my power — it is around this time that I began to understand feminine power. My feminine power comes from a place of deep confidence and knowing that I deserve respect, not because of what I’ve done or some proof of my abilities — but that I deserve respect just by simply being a human being. 

 In our society, we are taught to use toxic masculine energy to get what we want — this energy causes us to be demanding and forceful. Of course no one teaches us that these methods don’t make us happy. In fact, it makes us quite miserable — only feeding the ego, which always wants more.

Feminine power is receptive and in flow. It is so powerful that it uses stillness to attract to us love and abundance. It isn’t about what we do, but our intention. The feminine is our intention, it is beyond the action, but the intention behind our action — when filled with love, the power of intention is unstoppable.

I have been living my life with this understanding for a while now, and it’s been life changing. To take back my power and reconcile the feminine within me, and how I had been denying an internal desire to embrace this flow, especially as a cis woman. 

My husband does not own me; I know it, and he knows it.

When I started dating my husband, I had a gut feeling early on that this was the man I was going to marry, and me taking his name was a natural intuitive knowing that came in as “simply it”. This knowing is rooted in the masculine / feminine dynamics that makes our relationship so juicy. (A hard-learned concept that will take more than a few sentences to explain — so I will leave that for another time.)

In taking his name, I am receiving my husband’s name. He does not own me, and he knows it, and I know it. In this open heart energy, I attracted and chose someone who would never “own” a woman in this way. Our mutual intention in having the same name is to show we are a family unit. For some people, changing their name is about tradition, but for me, it’s about our present time decision to be together and co-partners in creating a life together in interdependence.

Creating my own intention behind a tradition

It’s interesting the empowerment one can experience when we flip the lens, neutralizing what something can mean based on society’s rules and meanings for a particular tradition. For much of my life, I was anti-tradition in more ways than whether I’d take my partner’s last name. But in the last few years, I realized that most traditions are created from a good place. The root and original reason why the tradition was created in the first place was meant to be helpful. It’s the taking it to the extreme, or forcing — the lack of freedom imposed by others that covers the Light of the tradition. When anything is forced on someone, even with good intentions — the Light becomes dark.

My identity and words are temporary

In our particular relationship, I feel it in my heart and soul that when my husband gives me his name, and I receive his name, it doesn’t mean that I must give myself up — I am not losing myself, because it is up to me to lose it. In this way, a name is simply a word, it is not my true self which cannot be taken by anybody. Words are applied meanings by our human minds, and they may reflect something on this earthly plane, but ultimately, a word is simply a word. A word means nothing in spiritual realms; it is the intention that god sees.

My intention is for us to be together as a love-filled family unit on this earthly plane until we become dust — thereafter, all that’s left is the intention of love.

——–

With that said, these are my opinions, and I totally understand why you may not want to change your name in a marriage. I wanted to put this perspective out there. Choice is empowerment. And the choice is always yours!

⁠

In gratitude, Bonnie
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