About Bonnie Ho Gabaeff

Bonnie Ho Gabaeff specializes in the matters of the heart. As a Tarot & Energy Intuitive, she provides heart-empowered guidance, and as a writer, she reveals deep human truths, so that we can feel less alone in this world. As a teacher at the Journey School. She has a passion for holding heart-centered space to facilitate self-discovery, self-permission and soul alignment. For more information on workshops and events, visit https://bonniehoinsights.com/thejourneyschool/

How authenticity is service work

How authenticity is service work

I channeled this story from my guide a few years back, when I was contemplating what it means to ‘be of service’.

There once was a holy man, a beloved pastor of sorts, who lived in a village a long, long time ago… He had a wife and many beautiful children. One day, in old age, the man went to his wife and unveiled a huge secret: he was a homosexual and he was in love.

The wife was taken aback, but something deep within her felt okay by it. She loved him, but their marriage had become one of good friends. They had beautiful children and grandchildren whom she loved caring for, and had recently taken on hobbies that she was passionately drawn into. Seeing the passion he had for this person gave her a sense of relief and in many ways, renewed her love for him, to see him so alive. She was okay with the idea of letting him go, to be with his new love. 

With her blessing, he moved into a cottage with his new partner. Rumblings within the village began to occur. Being a beloved pastor, some in the village knew his kind heart and was accepting of his new life immediately. Others, not so much. He was ridiculed, tormented by the disapproving villagers, but he kept living his life. Being a man of god, he continued to be a man of love and compassion, despite how they treated him.

Slowly, some villagers began to accept them. They could see in his everyday actions, that he was still the same beloved pastor. A loving person who was a joy to be around. They could see that this relationship was not a threat, quite the contrary. He seemed even more loving, happier, carefree, and settled. They began to change their views.

For those that did, they chose love. They chose to open their hearts in a way that was previously closed off with judgements, moral programmings of right and wrong, and in turn, they became more loving of themselves. These souls were forever changed. Yes, he was a spiritual teacher, but it wasn’t his teachings that changed them in this deep way. It was by being his true self. To live in his authenticity and be the expression of his truth. 

By doing so, he gifted the villagers a choice: will you choose love, or will you choose hate? 

It is this opportunity for choice that is the service work. 

Because, not all of the villagers accepted them, of course. But that’s not what the service work is about. It’s not about controlling them to change or to see the Light. And it’s not about perfectionism — getting everyone to change. Rather, it is living authentically and simply being himself and allowing others the opportunity to choose lovingness. If he did not come out, if he hid himself to not rock the boat, we’re not giving others the opportunity to open their minds and hearts. When we stay in the status quo, the opportunity doesn’t exist.

By being his true, authentic self, this man held space for healing, allowed for changed perspectives, and in the end — put more love into the world, and therefore increased the vibration of the world. 

This is how authenticity is service work.

When I channeled this story, tears came to my eyes. Although my authenticity journey is not about my sexual orientation, I resonated with the story in terms of ‘coming out.’ I knew I needed to be honest with friends and family about my spirituality, in all my woo-woo weirdness. It touched me deeply the notion that service work isn’t about doing necessarily. It can be about the things we do, but it can also simply be, being yourself.

That can mean being a person that is loving, but totally weird to others. All of the Tarot, the energy work, past life work, and not to mention the channeling of this story, is — to some — totally weird. But at the same time, it is my authenticity and truth. And as a Libra Sun, and a 9 on the Enneagram, being someone others think is ‘weird’ is completely frightening.

The thing is, this type of service work is simple, but not easy. When we’re called towards authenticity as our service work, we open ourselves to vulnerability. We allow others to see parts of us that may be rejected. It takes a lot of courage. And it’s quite the long game. It’s about grounding into who we are and giving others the opportunity to adjust themselves, by choosing love in acceptance, as they come to realizations in their own time. Not to mention that there are no guarantees that they will change, or that you will hear about their change on this Earthly plane.

It takes patience, dedication and faith. The good news is that it feels really freeing to be your authentic self. I often think back to the person I was who was constantly adjusting myself to be someone acceptable to others, and it was exhausting. I was constantly suppressing myself. Now, I’m just me — nothing to hide.

When I ‘came out’ to friends and family, our relationship was awkward at first. Some said they support me, but being empathic, I could feel they didn’t, exactly. I didn’t hold it against them. I was being a completely new person than what they expected from me — expectations that I had created. I was the one hiding myself from them, so allowing others to take time in adjusting to this me, is the least I could do.

Now, I can assuredly say that most of my relationships have come to a place of acceptance. In fact, our connection feels deeper and more intimate. In some cases, it allowed them to reveal things about themselves, opening the relationship to further common interests and bonding.

Some friendships couldn’t withstand the change, but I feel okay about releasing them and allowing them to be souls who traveled with me for a time, and now no longer. We all have people who come in for a time, and leave. And perhaps one day, they will re-enter, or perhaps they will have changed their minds about my weirdness without letting me know.

I wanted to put this perspective out there as it was very helpful to me. For those who feel like they’re called to ‘be of service’ – this terminology can be very confusing. “Service” implies we are doing something for others. But “be” is also simply that — to be. 

If you ever feel unsure of your purpose or your path, then take this message as one to take the pressure off yourself. I truly believe that it is part of every person in this world’s path to be authentically them. All you gotta do is be yourself, choose love — and that’s all. The World needs you to be who you are, and that’s it — you’re being of service! Simply be you.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2023-10-28T19:51:37+00:00

How do I choose my first tarot deck?

How do I choose my first tarot deck?

Your guide to choosing a tarot deck for beginners

So you’re ready for your first tarot deck, aye? How exciting!  With so many tarot decks out there, you may be wondering how to choose your first. A search for ‘tarot deck’ in google yields hundreds of possibilities. From Amazon to Etsy, you may have noticed — there are a heck-of-a-lot of decks out there. If you’re feeling confused, you’re not alone. How to choose a tarot deck is definitely a top frequently asked question from tarot learners.

Tips for choosing your first Tarot Deck

1) Pick a Tarot deck, and not an Oracle deck

You may have noticed at your local crystal shop that there are a lot of decks to choose from. Be aware that there are Tarot decks, and there are Oracle decks, which are different types of decks. If you’re interested in Tarot, ensure the box says that it is a tarot deck specifically.

What is the difference between a Tarot Deck and an Oracle Deck? 

Tarot is an established system of cards containing 78 individual cards — 22 major arcana cards, 54 minor arcana cards which includes 4 suits. Each suit contains ace through ten, as well as court cards (Page, Knights, Queens, Kings). This system is universal when it comes to a tarot deck, just like how all playing cards contain the 4 suits, ace through 10 and jack, queen king, no matter who manufactured the deck, the tarot has a similar concept. 

Oracle decks, on the other hand, do not adhere to the tarot system, and the creator of each oracle deck creates their own system or has no system at all. There’s no set amount of cards or suits in an Oracle deck. In a nutshell, Oracle decks are any ‘divination’ deck that is not a tarot deck. Oracle decks come in many themes, allowing the creator freedom to make the card whatever they’d like. For example, there are many amazing angel oracle decks, affirmation oracle decks, gratitude oracle decks, that are beautiful and useful — but, they’re not tarot decks. 

For the most part, if it says “tarot” in the name and box, then, it’s a tarot deck. Please be advised that there are a few exceptions — the Osho Zen Tarot and the Psychic Tarot Oracle are not  tarot decks in the traditional sense. Both of these adopt facets of the tarot, but are tangential to the tarot system. As an aside, I own and love both of these decks. Just be advised that if you’re looking to learn tarot, they will not match up to books or resources.

2) Pick a Tarot deck where the visuals resonate with you

All tarot reading is partially intuitive. There are books and resources that can give you the universal meanings and themes of a card, but the visuals and imagery can give you a lot of information on what the card is about. Each card is drawn or designed in a way that expresses the meaning of the card. And when looking for a first tarot deck, it can be helpful to use a deck that ‘speaks’ to you through its imagery, style and design.

Look through the cards of a variety of decks that appeal to you and ask yourself if you feel like you may know what the card is about. Does the deck use symbology you resonate with? Do you feel a connection with the cards?

There are so many decks out there and each of them are going to appeal to different people. Even as a professional Tarot reader, there are decks that I don’t resonate with and have a hard time gleaning information from. For example, The Tarot of Mystical Moments and the True Heart Intuitive Tarot are two decks that I really connect with. I look at the images and I instantly know what the card wants to say. On the other hand, the Wild Unknown Tarot is a very popular deck, but I can’t connect with it. The beauty of different decks is they appeal to different people. Find one that speaks to you. 

3) When in doubt, use the Rider-Waite Smith Tarot Deck 

A safe bet for tarot learners is the classic Rider-Waite Smith tarot deck. Rider-Waite Smith is the original standard system for what we now call tarot. Published in the early 20th century by the Rider company, commissioned by academic and mystic, A.E. Waite and illustrated by Pamela Colman Smith, the Rider-Waite Smith Tarot deck is the OG.

Because of this, Rider-Waite Smith Tarot is a great deck for beginners because most Tarot books and resources base the descriptions of the imagery and meanings on Rider-Waite Smith’s depictions. Many tarot artists have taken creative liberties on how to illustrate the meanings of the cards, and so even if there is a universal meaning, the imagery may not match up.

I started with the Rider-Waite Smith over a decade ago, which was helpful to me because I was a very analytical person who was not very attuned to symbology. Having books explain to me how an image represented something helped open me up to how symbology works. Because of this, I always recommend Rider-Waite Smith Tarot to learners, especially those who tend to intellectualize over relying on their feelings. 

Modern Rider-Waite Smith Alternatives

If you’re not a fan of the classic stylings of Rider-Waite Smith, there are some beautiful modernized versions of the Rider Waite Smith Tarot that may be more appealing, such as the Modern Witch Tarot and Awaken Tarot.  The imagery of both of these decks resemble the original, but with a more updated twist. Using these decks, the imagery is close enough for following the explanations in Tarot books and resources, but perhaps more aesthetically appealing for our contemporary senses.

A note about Rider-Waite Tarot vs Rider-Waite Smith Tarot

When you go to buy this classic deck, you may notice it’s called Rider-Waite Tarot. Both of these decks are the same exact decks. As a feminist in the tarot community, we try to call this classic deck Rider Waite Smith Tarot to include illustrator, Pamela Colman Smith included as she was left out of the credits in the original deck, even though it is her illustration that has been such a huge impact and influence on what Tarot is today, she didn’t get the credit she deserved. In honor of Pamela Colman Smith, I refer to the deck with her name included.

4) Don’t over analyze it, go with your intuition

And lastly, there’s no need to over-analyze! Use your gut when choosing a deck. Maybe you’re at the crystal shop and you’re feeling good vibes from a deck — trust your intuition! You can’t really go wrong. Just as Lao Tzu says “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, the same can be said about tarot. If you feel an urge to start learning Tarot, get your first deck and start pulling cards.

2023-08-11T19:12:01+00:00Tags: , |

The Beauty of Meaninglessness: Some Thoughts after a Miscarriage

The Beauty of Meaninglessness: Some Thoughts after a Miscarriage

Dated: July 8, 2023

Last week, I had a miscarriage, I was 7 weeks and two days pregnant. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 18 months and we had undergone two failed rounds of IVF, when we surprisingly became pregnant naturally, two months after our wedding celebration.

It was a miracle — and then — it was heartbreaking.

What followed was a short, but intense dark night of the soul moment for two solid hours as I laid in bed crying into my pillow.

What the point of it all? I wondered. I should just give up all I am pursuing. 

The despair gave way to thoughts of an ever-present core issue for me: my need to know.

“I don’t know anything,” repeated in my mind.  I had adopted the “I don’t know” mantra after our 2nd failed IVF attempt, but I had forgotten about it.

I forgot that I don’t know anything.

After the positive pregnancy test, I thought that maybe I do know some things. That I figured some stuff out around the inner workings of the Universe. (As if we could ever know for sure!)

But now, here I am again, back to “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know” is humbling. Couple this with grief and what you have is an emptiness, a void. A letting go of everything one has ever learned about anything. A releasing of programmed thoughts, beliefs, learnings.

It’s disorienting, but it’s a gift. In that moment, I didn’t want to see it as a gift.

My naturally analytical mind wants to intellectualize and find meaning in it all. I want to know. I want to know why. What did I do, or not do, to cause this?

In a session with my mentor, I inquire about a spiritual reason. She asks me, what if there is no reason?

I thought about it and felt into my body.

If there was no reason, I would feel relieved — that’s what my body said.

If there is no meaning, there is no one to blame — including me.

If there is no meaning, then there is nothing for me to do, or not do.

If there is no meaning, then there is no right or wrong.

If there is no meaning, it allows me to let go.

I tell her this and we do some healing on shame of my body, and my need to intellectualize a reason. I feel a resonance in my heart when I let go of meaning.

I feel relieved.

“It’s the Mystery of Life”, she says. “How it happens. Despite all the biological and scientific advances, no one truly knows.”

She is right. It is a mystery, and it is beautiful.

As humans with minds, we’re uncomfortable with the mystery; we fear meaninglessness.

We search for it. Or to speak for myself, *I* search for it.

I want to ‘figure it out’ so that I can prove my intelligence. Feel like I understand the Universe. Have control over the uncontrollable.

It’s humbling to once again be reminded that I do not.

Meaninglessness has its perks. When things are meaningless, there’s no negativity or positivity. It’s neutral. Which doesn’t sound fun, but when one goes on an emotional rollercoaster, up and down, and around, neutral is nice. The highs and lows have made me feel alive, and I appreciate it in a strange way. I feel gratitude for feeling something, after shutting emotions down for decades of my life. But after a while, I need a bit of good old, boring neutral.

Neutral is nice.

Neutral is peace.

I don’t intend to stay in meaninglessness forever. I absolutely love deriving meaning. I adore it. Deriving meaning is one way I see and experience grace.

But meaninglessness and neutrality is also grace. Both can be true.

For now, I hold these opposites — this dichotomy — without judgement.

At the end of my life, perhaps I will look back and see it. After everything that happens, I can be the bird flying high that can see the overview, and get the meaning of it all.

But right now, in the middle of it, meaninglessness is medicine.

And I will swallow its bitter-sweetness in grace.


In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2023-07-12T19:35:13+00:00

Being the good girl: stuffing desires into tiny jars

Being the good girl: stuffing desires into tiny jars

Up until a few years ago, I had been suppressing much of my true desires.

I remember being a 4 or 5 year old little girl living in a tall building in Hong Kong and having this urge to push all of the buttons in the elevator. This is a very-annoying-to-adults desire that many kids that age want… (To a 4 year old brain, this is amazing! You push it, and it lights up, so why wouldn’t you want to? ✨😆)

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be a ‘good girl’ and I told myself that one day I’ll be an adult and I can do that whatever I want.

Except one day, I became an adult and I was so accustomed to “being good” and not listening to my desires, that I disconnected from that part of myself.

I could had listened to that inner desire, even if it was naughty. But I could hear my mother scolding me and calling me “Yiay-yiay” (naughty in Cantonese), which I never wanted to be. And so, I took all that “Yiay-yiay”-ness desire and stuffed it in into a jar labeled “Do not open” for a very long time.

Stuffing desires became my go-to habit.

As the years gone by, I developed a subconscious automatic strategy and took any desire and stuffed it in into an energetic jar, suppressing it, without feeling it, or taking a peek at what it could be.

This habit became like clock-work. I didn’t even need to think about it, because it was easier that way. This way, I never have to be “Yiay-yiay” to adult eyes and if I’m never “Yiay-yiay”, I don’t have to defend myself for being naughty. I don’t have to be scolded, and therefore, feel unloved.

Instead of trying to pursue my true desires, I took on desires others wanted for me. As an adult, I pursued ego ambitions that were uncontroversial. Ambitions that would secure love, and avoid the unloving glare that signaled that I was I wasn’t being a good girl.

Years back at my corporate job, I remember waiting for the elevator on the way to work, and recalled that little girl who wanted to push all the buttons. I’m an adult now…. I can push all the buttons if I want! But as an adult, that sounds no fun at all. As a responsible adult, if I push all the buttons, I’d have to sit through every floor. …And I’ve seen enough things light up… it’s not new. It’s no fun anymore…. The desire had passed.

Now, I can see that each desire has a due date.

Each desire has a a distinct moment in time when it comes through our bodies.

Desires are meant to be received in present time. We receive each desire based on our present-time self; a potential, that when activated may lead to joy or a new path.

If we let the moment pass, the desire may shift. We may find we don’t want it anymore. Or are unable to act on it anymore.

It’s okay, really, because new desires will come, we don’t need to fret about those old desires. There’s no use holding onto that little girl desire, and all the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’s’ from a long time ago.

But rather, empowering ourselves by noticing today, to choose to be with our desires, so that we give ourselves the opportunity for joy, right now.

Of course not all desires can be fulfilled right now. Some desires take time and / or planning, and we can’t just fulfill it in this moment. Maybe we don’t know how to fulfill the desire, and it’s too big for us to do ourselves.

If it is something we truly want, then take a step towards it. It can be a big step or small step.

It can be a teeny-tiny step.

This tiny step may seem insignificant, but it is vital. It’s a way to communicate to the Universe and the Divine, “I am ready to embrace this desire.” It is a signal that you’re open to receiving help.

It may seem counterintuitive, but a tiny step is like a surrender… asking the Universe to show a way through.

If we make an effort, then so will the Universe.

But in order for all this to happen, we must first give ourselves permission to desire. To see and be aware of any tiny stuffing jars, that suppresses current-moment desires, so that we can embrace each desire as an opportunity for joy.

So what is it? — What do you desire? Listen in.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2023-05-25T16:46:24+00:00

My Wedding Celebration Vows – May 6, 2023

My Wedding Celebration Vows – May 6, 2023

Hi Joe, it’s your wife, Bonnie. Here we are…. Almost a year after heading to Love Story Chapel, I get to proclaim our love once again, this time, in front of loved ones.

In the past year, I sometimes I would look over at you on the couch in awe… In my mind, I’d say to myself.. Wait, did I really marry Joe from SEGA? He’s my husband now. That’s so weird.

Back then, I didn’t really know you. I knew you were chill, for a lawyer. And I appreciated that you promptly sent the NDAs I asked you to. But I had no idea of your sweet, compassionate nature. Your big heart, your dedication to authenticity, and your amazing ability to communicate and listen. (despite occasional motor mouth tendencies)

I often want to shout out on the roof tops what our relationship is like, because it is so beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself. Sure, there are the things that you do. Washing every dish in the house, impromptu foot rubs, tucking me in every night, and ordering appetizers on the menu that you know I want but my ‘nine-ness’ would not ask for. And of course, all the silliness and fun we have being the hottest couple in Novato. But it’s mainly about how you make me feel and the person that you are.

In thinking about this first year of our marriage, the key word I feel is SAFE. That may not sound sexy to everyone, but oohhh… it is. The way you allow me the spectrum of my emotions, giving me permission to feel how I feel, I know I am emotionally safe. The way you ask for what I need, how I can be supported, and how you own your healthy masculine energy, I know I am physically safe. And the way you allow me to be who I am, listening to my ever-evolving truths without trying to change me, I know I am spiritually safe.

And so in my vows, I vow to do the same for you. I vow to learn from you, to be better at sharing my emotions, needs and desires. I vow to maintain a space for your Cancer self to be emo, sensitive, caring and protective. I vow to announce my grumpiness before it gets the better of me, so you may know where my Taurus moon stands. I vow to care for you, including cook you beans, rub your back and make sure the grape fairy is doing her job. And as per my previously stated vows, I will continue to listen to your stories, existential crises and effusive arguments, as well as vow to laugh at your jokes and your farts… and of course, let’s not forget…. I vow to never buy containers for your weed.

In the past few months, we’ve had our ups and downs. But those ups and downs have only shown me that my original decision to commit to you without a single doubt proved valid…  there’s no one else I’d rather travel into the mysterious unknown with. 5 years ago, when I sat across from you at your desk discussing Peanut Labs, I had no idea that you’d one day be my husband. And so, here we are. As we stand across from each other with family and friends gathered, we don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’ll happen, and all of the joys, sorrows, excitements, that are coming our way.  I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds, together with you.

I love you, my Joe-gong. Now, let’s party like nobody’s business.

-From Bonnie to Joe
May 6, 2023

💜🌈🌞✨

2023-05-10T18:14:15+00:00

Making Friends with my solar plexus (3rd) Chakra

Making Friends with my Solar Plexus (3rd) Chakra: Releasing the need for proof

I was reading Tosha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money, when my solar plexus, 3rd chakra, became quite agitated. All sorts of anxiety came up.

Over the years, I have had a love-hate relationship with my 3rd chakra. Our 3rd chakra, located two inches above the belly button, rules our personal power, identity, and energy distribution. 

On a good day, our 3rd chakra is our place of empowerment, boundaries, and motivation. On a bad day, it is defensive, overly protective, egoic.

I felt my 3rd chakra knocking unhappy, as I read Tosha’s words like “It’s handling any burden — whether a desire, attachment, illness, finances, or anything — back to God.”

This surrender faith talk had me reeling with anxiety. I decided to stop, and close my eyes to have a chat with my 3rd.

Here is the conversation:

Me: Hey, third chakra, what’s up?

3rd Chakra: Ah.. I don’t know about this.

Me: You don’t know about what?

3rd Chakra: Letting go.

Me: Letting go of what? Control?

3rd Chakra: Yeah. My job is to protect you. I want to protect you.

Me: I understand. What do you need in order to feel safe?

3rd Chakra: Proof.

Me: Proof of what?

3rd Chakra: That it’s going to be okay.

Me: We can’t know for sure. We can’t be certain of the future.

3rd Chakra: Yeah, that’s true. Any proof would only be false proof. Can you just make it easier on me?

Me: How can I do that?

3rd Chakra: I’m glad you’re listening to me.

Me: I’m so glad, third chakra.

3rd Chakra: I want you to hear me. I want to know what’s going on. I’m a voice that wants to be heard.

Me: I will listen to you from now on.

3rd Chakra: I feel better, I can let it go.

Me: Good.

My third chakra wanted “proof” — proof that everything will be okay. This is old programming that says: before you make a decision, find proof. Proof it will turn out okay. Proof of success.

Except that the proof doesn’t actually exist. We think that the more proof we can get the safer we will be. We can be informed to the best of our ability, but when it comes down to it, it’s about just taking a jump — a leap of faith.

Faith and surrender carries no proof. And there are no guarantees. Only a feeling in our heart on whether we feel it’s the right direction.

Sometimes, I can intellectually understand, but inside my body, the programming still exists.

My poor ole’ 3rd chakra was holding that programming for me. Because she’s the center of my identity, she holds the voice of what I’ve been taught and believed for a long time.

As a former atheist and professional analyst, I was still holding onto the belief that we need concrete evidence, data, and the only thing we can rely on is our own ability. No one’s out there to help us. I believed that “faith is for suckers” who aren’t capable.

When I think back to that Bonnie, I realized that she was afraid.

But it’s okay. This proof-mongering belief protected me, which is what I needed at the time. It prevented me from getting hurt, being disappointed when things didn’t work out. If I relied on myself then I only have myself to blame.

Which meant, a whole lot of self-blaming. Which wasn’t fun.

These days, I’m finding that there is a balance between faith and reality in which we can exist.

This “need for proof” doesn’t really belong to either faith or reality. It’s old, and it no longer serves me

I’m ready to let it go, but first I had to recognize that I still held onto this belief.

And sometimes that’s all we need to do, in order to heal. Place our attention on what’s been buried within us. Giving it permission to surface.

Thank you, 3rd chakra, for holding and bring to my attention this old belief that I “need for proof” — I’m ready to let it go. 

Release.


In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2023-03-11T23:50:21+00:00

Motherhood does not complete me, I complete me.

This article is a continuation of Jumble & Flow series, ‘Pregnant over 40’ chronicling my journey in trying to get pregnant as someone over 40 years old — See series articles:

Why this 41-year-old went off The Pill two decades after deciding she never wanted kids – July 2021 – Read here 

 

Motherhood does not complete me, I complete me.

My mom recently sent me a Quan Yin statue she bought 33 years ago before she was pregnant with my brother. She had been trying to have another baby and her friends recommended she acquire a Quan Yin to pray to. In a store of brown wooden Buddhas, dragons and furniture, the white ceramic Quan Yin holding a little baby glowed amongst the dark wood. She knew right away that this was the Quan Yin that would bring her, her baby boy. She brought the Quan Yin home, and in the next year, my brother was born. She was 40 years old.

Was it the Quan Yin? I don’t know. I don’t consider myself superstitious, but I want to believe in that type of magic, so why not be open to its possibility? I figured it wouldn’t hurt as I’ve been muddling through the pregnancy journey with my packs of supplements, weekly acupuncture appointments, and morning basal body temperature recordings. Each month after doing it all “right”, I hope and wait, only to be disappointed when I begin to feel the loud cramping knocking in my womb. The alarms have rung — this isn’t my month.

My mother who is usually the worst in most challenging situations, has been strangely supportive. Her typical M.O. is to add more worry, with the “Oh my god! What are you going to do?!” catastrophized, frantic response, rather than the preferable soothing “Everything is going to be okay”. Even if it’s not true, at least there’s no fuel added to the fire. It always ends with me calming her rather than being calmed, which caused me to not tell her what’s going on in my life, unless I absolutely had to.

In the last couple of years, I’ve been working on being more open with what’s going on with me —or at least not hiding — so that I can be more authentic in my relationships. When I told her that we were trying to get pregnant, I was worried she’d call me constantly asking, “Well?!?” — but she hasn’t, even though I know she desperately wants another grandchild. In fact, her advice is exactly what I want to hear, encouraging me to not put too much pressure on myself. Repeating actually helpful statements like “Whatever will be, will be!”, and “Either way, you’ll have a happy life.”

To hear that statement, “Either way, you’ll have a happy life.” from my mother was weird and remarkable, since I recently came to the same realization. In my TTC (trying-to-conceive) journey, I had gone through a variety of phases. It had begun as many journeys do, with arrogance. Whatever, we got this. I had my basal thermometer in hand, I knew I was ovulating, and so we just gotta have sex right before I ovulate, and BOOM! Baby, right? Apparently not. Then, I reacted with a phase of over-controlling — so, this isn’t happening, so what can I do to control this into happening? More research, more tools, more supplements. The more I controlled, the more out-of-control I felt.

And now, I’ve come to this stage which is really hard to describe. It’s not giving up, but it’s also not trying so tenaciously. It’s doing what needs to be done, but not giving all of my power over to getting pregnant. It’s what Dr. Randine Lewis calls “The Taoist way of fertility.”

 

The Quan Yin my mother sent me

 

How are you living your fertility?

Three months ago, I began going to see an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. I knew I was in the right place when she took my pulse and said that in TCM (traditional Chinese medicine), fertility begins in the heart. As someone that had been striving to live from a heart-centered place, that idea — fertility begins in the heart — just feels good and right to me.

After my first session, she sent me a video of her mentor, Dr Randine Lewis, talking about ‘receptivity’ and the mind-body balance in fertility which was congruent with my philosophies and values. It wasn’t until the end when she said something that hit me to my core. She said:

“Chinese medicine is all about being in alignment with your natural state. It’s your life right now. How are you in harmony with your life, right now? Your work. Your relationship. Your fertility. What supports you? What are you enlivened by?

How are you living in accordance with it, and how do you live at odds with it?

When you live your fertility in a way where you might not have the rest of your life ahead of your life, today, to do it. Right now, how are you living fertile-y? Not what you don’t have, but what you do have. How would you bring forth the joy, the life that you have? That to me, is fertility.”

I wondered — am I fully living my life right now, or am I putting it on hold waiting to become a mother? It made me think of that thing Oprah said: “You cannot wait for someone to save you, to help you, to complete you. No one can complete you. You complete yourself.” This is primo advice for dating and those looking for love —love yourself first, then love will come to you. But perhaps this also applies to becoming a mother.

It brought up an existential evaluation of my life and what I’ve been doing. Intuitively, I can hear in my inner voice speak to me about next steps in my 2nd career in spiritual service, but I’ve been dragging my feet. I’ve been making excuses like “Well, if I have a baby, all of this will need to be put on hold anyway…” But what Dr. Randine said about not having the rest of my life made me consider — what if I don’t get pregnant, what would I be doing with my life? I thought about my new career and my inner voice. It was time for some realness and self-honesty.

Letting myself go there, I realized I was scared. The next step in my career meant I really had to put myself out there — no more hiding. To show my true self in a more public way, which to the shy, socially anxious little girl inside was completely frightening. Becoming a mother was a good excuse to not face my fears and simply accept motherhood as my sole purpose and I convinced myself that everything else is meant to be put on hold till later. By doing so, I did what Oprah warned: I was waiting for this child to come into my life to complete me, rather than me completing me.

And it made me think: Is that the type of mother I want to be? What kind of example would I be, if I sacrificed my dreams and goals for this child? Of course, in every important relationship, there’s always negotiation. Instead of taking that meeting, I’m going to go to my child’s school play. Instead of going on a romantic vacation in Paris, we may go to Disneyland instead. Sure, negotiations happen. But what kind of mother do I want to be to this child? Do I want to be the mother who loves only them, or the kind who loves them, but also exemplifies self-love as well as love to our community by being of service? Do I want them to look outside of themselves for someone or something to complete them, or for them to know they are whole unto themselves? I’d prefer it if they listened to Oprah — You complete yourself, hon. I can’t control them into this realization, but I give them a better chance if I show how I’m doing it myself.

 

Child or not, we’re fertile and abundant, just as we are.

And then, there’s the scenario of: what if I don’t become a mother? What if we spend all of our money on IVF, and we’re still left without a child, what then? When I think of something that’s fertile, I think of rich soil that makes life grow. It makes me think of abundance. Fruits and vegetable seeds that are planted and becomes nourishing apples, squashes and tomatoes that feed the body and soul. Like Dr Randine inquires, “…how are you living fertile-y? Not what you don’t have, but what you do have.”

When we’re on an infertility journey, we’re so focused on what we don’t have. We don’t have a good egg, or hormonal balance, or whatever the issue is, that we don’t see what we do have. I have a loving husband and relationship beyond my wildest dreams. I am overall a healthy individual, physically, mentally spiritually. I live a very peaceful life with very few ‘problems’. “Infertility” makes it sound like I lack something when it’s not true, I have so much. I have everything I need in this moment, and when I live in the present — I can feel the abundance in my heart. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have that desire to be a mother, and do what needs to be done to contribute physically. It is a fact that older women’s egg quality declines, and I have to face that and take the necessary steps to cultivate a positive contribution to this effort. But emotionally and spiritually, I don’t have to give my power away to it so that the feelings of lack knocks me out of my center.

Overall, my cup is overflowing. And that’s part of why I want to be a mother, because I have the love, the energy, the nurturance to provide for another. But traditional motherhood is not the only way I can provide what’s in my cup. This mothering energy can be used in a myriad of ways. I am mothering when I do a reading for a client or hold space in a meditation class. I am mothering when I make congee when friends and family are sick or when I listen compassionately to a friend who’s having a tough time. Or even simply giving a warm smile to someone who needs it at the grocery store is a way to use my mothering energy. These are all things I can do in the present, with what I do have.

I hate to admit it when my mom is right, but she is. Either way — baby or no baby, I’ll have a happy life. I’ll be a mother in my own way, knowing that I am a complete woman, helping others to also see and glorify their own fullness just as they are. All we can do is take one step in front of the other, be present to all that we have and live fertile-y one day at a time.

——⁠

This article is a continuation of Jumble & Flow series, ‘Pregnant over 40’ chronicling my journey in trying to get pregnant as someone over 40 years old — See series articles:

Why this 41-year-old went off The Pill two decades after deciding she never wanted kids – July 2021 – Read here 

2023-01-26T18:34:42+00:00Tags: |

Queens, united: a poem

Queens, united: a poem

We need bold ones.
We need quiet ones.
We need nurturing ones.
We need stern ones.

We need heart.
We need anger.
We need passion.
We need empathy.

We need to be heard.
We need to be still.
We need to be impactful.
We need to be real.

We need imagination.
We need practicality.
We need feelings.
We need vision.

Join hands
In heart, mind, body, spirit
With that, which you do not know.
Together, it makes us whole.


In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2022-12-16T17:38:39+00:00

When the judgment tug-of-war goes rampant

When judgment tug-of-war goes rampant

Have you ever had one of those relationships where you feel judged by someone? I mean, I’m sure you have. Everyone has. Maybe they act cold around you, or say little things (or big things like be right out critical — but that’s a whole other article about boundaries).

As the holidays approach and we’re around more family, feelings of judgment can get more intense. For a few years now, I call going home for the holidays “Spiritual Bootcamp” — every year I test my spiritual prowess. Was I able to be neutral against my mom’s little judgy remarks? How many times did I get triggered? How many times did she make me feel like I’m 6 years old again, instead of the adult that I am.

Over the years, it’s gotten better, but it never completely goes away. As one of my teachers says, “If you’ve got no more issues, you’d be dead.” We’re all here to grow, learn, and be more conscious, or at least that’s what I’m here on Earth for. I’m also here for buttery mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and roasted brussel sprouts (can you tell I’m ready for Thanksgiving?)

I’m taking a post-graduate class at my spiritual alma mater, Psychic Horizons and as I’m looking at my “issues” I realized that my feeling judged is a reflection of my own judgment running rampant in my mind. Just the fact that I am complaining about them judging me, shows that I am also judging them! It can feel good to our egos to judge others, especially if you’re feeling judged yourself. Deep down, my subconscious is fighting them: Oh yeah, you’re going to judge me? I’m going to judge you back! 

We may convince ourselves that our own thoughts are not harming anyone; they’re my private thoughts, I can think what I want. Although that’s partially true, these little judgments are intentions, and can invite more judgment in. And even though it makes our egos feel good to judge someone because then, we can feel like we’re better than them, judgment can block our hearts from opening. It can block love, joy, and all of that juicy stuff that feels even better than stroking our egos.

So then, what do we do? We can feel hurt by others’ judgments, but we can’t control the behavior of others. (Again, if someone is being super critical, then boundaries may be necessary, but even then, we can only do so much.) As I tuned into this issue, I was getting that it’s up to us to take ourselves out of the judgment tussle. If others want to judge me, then they’re doing them, nothing I can do about it. All I can do is not engage in the judgment tug-of-war. 

If you’re trying to get out of your own judgment tug-of-war situation with someone, try this:

Close your eyes and imagine the person who you feel judged by. Say to them in your mind, “I allow you to be who you are, in this present moment.”  Repeat it as necessary. Repeat it when you feel judged by them.

By allowing someone else to be who they are, just the way they are, judgment and all, we take ourselves out of the equation. We take our power back by not engaging.

Ultimately, if we are feeling judged and judging others, it is only mirroring our own judgment of ourselves. Are we perhaps not allowing ourselves to be who we are, just as we are, in this present moment? There’s no need to beat ourselves up over it, as judgment is a sneaky bugger. All we can do is become aware, more mindful, and choose to let go of the judgment. And steadily give ourselves more and more permission to be who we are. That is all we can do — and it is enough.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2022-11-22T18:40:41+00:00

The dams we build (for our emotions, that is!)

The dams we build (for our emotions, that is!)

Yesterday was the Scorpio New Moon Solar Eclipse, and boy was it an intense one. I was feeling this on every level — emotionally, energetically. It was like I was being cracked open. Somehow I knew it was good for me, but not the most comfortable.

I attended a mini Shamanic Journey to release what needed to go and it was a wonderful respite from the intensity. In this grounded space, I met up with my guide for the day, a Beaver Wizard. The Beaver had kept changing forms from a Beaver to an old man, to communicate to me that he is a Beaver WIZARD. Very important I have the Wizard part, apparently.

The Beaver Wizard led me through the forest to his dam, where the water was crisp and flowing. Sticks we expertly placed to allow this water to flow serenely.

By showing me this dam, the Beaver Wizard implanted an understanding within me. 

We think of dams as structures to disallow water from flowing — to hold it up, but that’s not what dams are for. Dams are built so that water can flow more serenely. Instead of turbulent, rushing water, dams regulate the water so that the water flows in a way where we can use it, access it without being swept under its current.

This was a very interesting analogy to emotions. For much of my life, I had dammed up my emotions. I kept it locked up for no one to see, including myself. But then there would be times of rage, just like raging water that can’t be controlled, it would be spilled out in a way that doesn’t serve me. I would lash out, instead of allowing emotions to be expressed with flow and equanimity.

I can see how my 3rd chakra, my solar plexus chakra is kinda like my dam. Our solar plexus chakra is the center of our personal power. On the one hand, this is the place that governs our defense mechanisms like boundaries which we need at healthy levels, but dialed up too high, we end up controlling everything, which doesn’t allow divine energy to move through us.

The Beaver Wizard showed me that my 3rd chakra is like a dam. From my heart, I feel love and joy, and from my 2nd chakra (our center of emotions), I feel grief and anger, and the 3rd processes all of this so that I may feel and express my emotions with equanimity, rather than holding it up, only to burst when I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve been on a relationship building mission with my 3rd chakra for a long time, and this has upgraded our friend status. Sometimes I can see my solar plexus chakra as an enemy (or frien-enemy). After all, this is where we control, or push it in order to keep doing, keep working, even when we’re tired. In many ways, we abuse our solar plexus chakras. 

But now I see that this dam is meant to help me. If my emotions are always flowing smoothly as a way for me to feel and express them, then there’s less chance of it flooding my whole system, which ends up flooding all houses and gardens around it, which ends up in a mess with a bunch of clean-up. Actively listening and expressing our emotions when it arises on a regular basis is way less messy!

⁠In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

2022-10-26T19:31:03+00:00
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