Respect is a baseline, not a request. What began as one offhand comment about feminine power slowly changed my entire life.

I hear it all the time: women want respect. They want respect from their jobs, their co-workers, their romantic partners and spouses. They want respect from family, parents, and friends.

I wanted respect too.

For a long time, I filled pages of my journal writing about how my colleagues didn’t respect me. I was a woman in a male-dominated field, and more than anything, I wanted to be seen and valued.

And when I think of disrespectful colleagues, one guy immediately comes to mind.

He was snarky. A know-it-all. Self-righteous. You know the type. He interrupted me when I spoke and dismissed my ideas. He was the worst.

The breaking point came when an executive tried to pull a power move by reorganizing me onto this know-it-all’s team and making him my manager, and he did it by sending out an email to the company without consulting with me first. In the very same email, the executive also tried to take credit for my work.

I was livid at him and this executive for disrespecting me in this way. I went to my manager and told him that if this is happening, I was quitting effective immediately.

My manager understood how I felt and shut the whole thing down. He told me that it was an idea that had been floated around, but was never actually approved. My reaction also made him realize just how much tension there was between me and this colleague, so he started running interference and made it so we didn’t have to work together as closely.

But still, even his mere presence grated on me.

In sessions with my spiritual counselor, I would complain endlessly about him. My counselor was usually patient, but this time she could no longer remain completely impartial.

Finally, she blurted out, “Bonnie, you’re letting this guy take away your feminine power.”

I didn’t know it at the time, but her slightly off-the-cuff comment planted a seed.

It stopped me in my tracks. Feminine power? Hmm… what does that even mean?

I was curious, and honestly, slightly triggered. Is she saying I’m not feminine enough? But my counselor didn’t elaborate much beyond that. She simply suggested I explore the question for myself.

—

She was right.

After a lot of healing and exploration, I can now look back and see it clearly: I was giving my power away to this guy. More specifically, I was giving away my feminine power.

And when I say “feminine,” I don’t mean feminine in the stereotypical gendered sense — lipstick, dresses, or jewelry. This terminology was what triggered me; I assumed that she wanted me to appear more ‘feminine’, that was not what she meant at all.

She had meant the yin-feminine — the other half of the concept of yin and yang. Two opposing energies that are within all of us (regardless of gender) that contribute to our wholeness. I had a well-developed yang, but my yin-feminine — I had long abandoned.

And to be clear. Nor do I mean female empowerment in the “kick ass and take names” sense either. In many ways, that was actually the yang energy I was already trying to embody at the time. I was pushing back constantly, doing everything I could to fight the disrespect I was experiencing.

When I say, my feminine power, I mean, the yin: a deep, innate knowing, a connection to myself — that I can trust in myself. A heart-felt knowing of my worth.

When I say, my feminine power, I mean: I yield to my inner serenity, a stillness within; and to tend to my own sanity.

Women want respect; crave respect — and yet, so often, we disrespect ourselves by giving our power away in the pursuit of it.

When we trust in our worth, we no longer disrespect ourselves by working way harder than our male counterparts to prove we deserve respect.

When we nurture our serenity, we no longer give our power away by obsessing over other’s comments or judgements.

When we deeply know what we’re capable of, we no longer disrespect ourselves by over-explaining.

When we give ourselves permission to soften into our inner peace, we no longer give our power away to perfectionism.

For so long, I wanted respect. But what I’ve realized on this journey is that if I want respect, I first have to give it to myself.

Giving myself respect means knowing I am good at what I do, without needing to prove it.

Giving myself respect means going home at a reasonable hour because rest and rejuvenation are necessary for my well-being.

Giving myself respect means knowing that other people’s judgements say more about themselves than it does about me.

Giving myself respect means not giving so much mind-space to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Let me be clear. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t push back if we’re being disrespected, we most definitely should. Setting boundaries is our loving yang-side taking action in honor of our self-respect. But along with that, is a sustainable approach that comes from a deeper place.

As women, we often chase respect. And of course we do.

Many of us were taught that respect had to be earned through achievement, performance, or overextending ourselves for others. In the beginning of our careers, we need to demonstrate what we’re capable of, and that striving can help us learn and discover our strengths.

But eventually, there comes a point where constantly proving ourselves stops being empowering, and starts becoming exhausting.

And what’s interesting is that it’s when we stop chasing it — and begin respecting ourselves through a deep knowing of our worth, which translates into actions, boundaries, and intentions — we begin to receive it without asking for it. Because first and foremost, we are giving ourselves the respect we deserve, and that energy radiates from a deep place within us.

This realization completely changed my relationship in work, my love life, and people in general.

Because here’s the thing: I know my worth, and I respect myself. So if someone wants to work with me while being disrespectful? That’s a no.

There are plenty of respectful people out there (men included) — people who truly see you. People who recognize how incredible you are, and who genuinely value your skills and talents.

Those are your people.

Disrespectful people are, of course, still out there. I see them in the media. I see them running our country.

But in my immediate surroundings, I have decided that I am going to put self-respect first and foremost, and I stay in integrity with that self-respect through a connection with my deepest self that translates into actions of self-trust and serenity.

And strangely enough, that shift has acted like an energetic repellent for disrespectful people.

Because when you truly believe respect is inherent. That it shouldn’t even need to be requested, but a baseline requirement — Your life begins to change.

Respect stops becoming something you beg for, earn, or negotiate.

It simply is.

And that, to me, is how we take back our feminine power.

May it be so.