Giving myself permission to not be on Instagram

A small act of rebellion that felt surprisingly sacred. Learning to trust my own rhythm instead of the algorithm’s.

Confession time. It’s been 242 days since my last post on Instagram.

The last one was on Halloween, where I talked about not being a “holiday person” and giving myself permission not to force a message just because it was a holiday.

It reminded me of to those ye olde days when I was an e-commerce marketer. We used the excuse of a holiday to put out a message. We’d offer a coupon to tempt people to buy and used long weekends as a sense of urgency to get customers to act.

My job was to increase metrics with these tactics—click-through rates, conversions, to monetize. That was my career. Those were the goals I strived towards for a long time.

As one who now offers spiritual services, I feel a sense of rebellion against those yang-heavy strategies.

But still, I can’t help but pressure myself to do more marketing, with Instagram being my drug of choice to fixate on.

I have been pressuring myself to post on Instagram for the last few years. Sometimes I would go days, then weeks without posting, and there was this internal pressure, guilt that I should be doing more.

After that Halloween post, something got triggered within me, a whiny inner child who really just didn’t wanna; I had very little inspiration to post on Instagram.

And yet, that overly-responsible, inner e-commerce marketer trained in the finest best practices whispered bitter-nothings in my ear:

Don’t you know it’s a best practice to post regularly?

What about the algorithm?!

You have to keep posting to keep people, and the algorithm interested.

It was like I knew too much, and was pressured by that knowledge. The pressure to post made me not want to post. And not posting created even more pressure.

So I decided:

With that permission, the e-commerce marketer within me quieted down a bit.

But then a new shadow character emerged: The Virgo North Node Stellium “Good Girl for god”.

She’s the one who wants to do right. Service-oriented, always wanting to help, sacrificing at the expense of herself.

Ms. “Good Girl for god” whispered guiltingly:

But if you’re not posting and putting out merry messages, then you’re not doing your service work.

If you’re not posting, you’re not doing the Divine’s work.

The pressure returned.

Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

As I contemplated this pressure, I examined Ms. “Good Girl for god’s” proclamations, and considered what this ‘god’ (Or the Divine. Or the Universe.) may be like.

I imagined standing at the pearly gates. (Not actually what I believe.)

And God saying:

“You will not enter Heaven because you didn’t post enough on Instagram.”

Wow. Uproarious LOL ensued.

The thought made me laugh so hard because it’s a completely ridiculous notion.

The God—or Divine—that I know would never say that. The idea that I’m somehow off my path and not being enough of a ‘good girl’ because I haven’t posted enough on Instagram is absurd.

The idea that God would judge me for not following a content calendar is laughable.

But obviously the fear was within me, and clearly there was part of me that believed in this ‘god.’

I wondered: Who is this “god,” exactly? Who is actually talking?

…

And then, it hit me. It’s the “god” who taught me everything I know about online marketing best practices. The one who reprimands me when my metrics aren’t growing. The one who enslaves me to likes, clicks, CPMs, AOVs, and endless optimization.

Because if I don’t…

I won’t get the bonus.

I won’t get the promotion.

In other words, I won’t get into ‘heaven’.

It’s the “god” I served for over twenty years in Tech.

During that time, every morning, I got my morning coffee, and I would sit down at my desk and open ten browsers where I would pour over reports, numbers, campaigns. Or in my later career, I would look through excel spreadsheets of research data.

It was that god.

The patriarchal god that duped me into believing all of that was more important than anything else. More important than my own well-being. More important than caring for the people we serve.

It was a way of living I developed when I thought that monetary success, metrics, and pure ambition for validation was what was important. But in reality, it pulled me away from what truly matters.

And for me, what matters is the message itself. Something I want to get out there that is supportive and shifts perspective and healing. Stories that helps people feel less alone in the world.

And expressing it in a way that is true to me — deep nuance that creates empathy, a resonance that arises from my heart. Even if not everyone may understand what I’m saying; those who do — do. And those are the people I’m talking to.

From an energy standpoint, I’ve realized that it can takes a long time for me to craft a message. I am slow. I like to be deliberate.

Sometimes a message takes gestation. It mulls within me for days, weeks, months and even years, before its ready to be written to digital paper.

It is the yin way that works for me. Being with the cycles of my own rhythms.

I’m also wordy. That 2,200-character limit on Instagram just doesn’t work for me.

I need room. Space. I need whatever wants to flow through me to do so in its own time. In its own way.

That is all I need to do to be of service.

Whether I’m being myself on Instagram, on Substack, with a friend, while teaching a class, or grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, I don’t think the Divine pays much attention to where it happens.

The Divine simply wants us to express ourselves—and our love—in whatever way feels true for us.

And one day, after I’ve fully given myself permission not to be on Instagram…

Maybe I’ll go back.

Maybe one day I’ll feel inspired to write short-form posts and share pretty pictures again. (There was a time when I genuinely enjoyed it.) But if, and when I do: I’ll do it my way, in my own rhythm.

It’s not the technology itself, it’s how we choose to use it.

We may feel that we have to feed it for our own survival, but it’s up to us whether we give in to that feeling.

Tech has brought beautiful things into my life. I wouldn’t get to be writing this to you, and you reading it, if not for Tech.

I don’t regret my career. It’s a journey that’s brought me here. It taught me skills I still use, lessons that brought me wisdom. And honestly, I still enjoy analyzing data and seeing the insights that speaks through it.

Just because there were good things doesn’t mean I have to embrace the values that no longer resonate with me. Or perhaps some values are okay, but it’s about coming to a balance with it.

I’d like to believe that at the root of Tech, it is attempting to make lives easier, more efficient, more connective. (Or at least that’s what they say at every funding pitch ever!) That is to say… Whether the intention is real is questionable. And different for every person who works in Tech.

But we can make that intention real for ourselves.

We can ask ourselves how technology can serve us—not how we can serve it out of fear, obligation, or what we think we “should” do.

It’s about coming back into balance within ourselves. A way that feels healthy. Loving. Resonant.

I hope we can.

I hope I can.

May it be so.