If you’re feeling sad, feel it.

If you’re feeling confused, feel it.

If you’re feeling angry, feel it.

If you’re feeling dismayed, feel it.

If you’re feeling fear… I am sorry.

I myself am feeling heartbroken. 

In that heartbreak lies all of the sadness, confusion, anger, dismay because I know that many are afraid. Afraid of what will happen. Afraid of what more will be taken from us. 

My heartbreak goes out to everyone in those red and purple places where they stood by what they think is right, and yet, tyranny wins.

My heartbreak shows me that I don’t actually know anything about anything. That there is a lot I don’t understand about the people in this country — their hurt, pain and suffering. And that humbles me to my core. 

My heartbreak shows me my privilege. I am educated. I live in California. And even though I feel the financial pressures, I have more access to resources. And I don’t know what it’s like to feel what they feel. And that humbles me, once again.

My heart breaks open to all of this. As painful as it is, there is also a fire that feels good — a divine grace that seeps in as the fire burns my heart open.

That fire is anger, a sacred anger that is strength and passion. It’s courageous and ready for what’s to come.

We don’t know what’s to come. And let it be an “I don’t know.”

Stay present, my friends. 

Do not let the pictures of what may happen become a prison of your own suffering.

Trust yourself. Trust those who know what to do. Trust in the good. Trust in the love that exists.

Sit with your trust, and your love. And we wait.

Sending much love, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

This article was posted on my old website, FlybirdFly.co and was written in 2018. I hope it gives solace to anyone who grapples with a similar question. Much love to you!

I was once asked by a woman seeking understanding and relief.  “How do I forgive someone who hurt me badly?” She was in the last stages of cancer. She knew she was going to die and wasn’t looking to be healed. She just wanted to comprehend and find peace in her last days.

Forgiveness is a loaded word. People knows what it means, and doesn’t know what it means at the same time. I asked myself, how do explain it to someone this fragile? Someone who suffered most of her life and at the end of her life. She doesn’t have time for philosophical musings to understand forgiveness. 

In that moment, I wasn’t even sure what forgiveness meant. Do I myself know? I could tell she wasn’t ready to forgive her abuser. And to tell her to do so was not honoring her or letting her have the space to process her pain.

So I asked Spirit for how to answer her. And what I got was this:

“Despite it all, I am worthy.”

That’s it! I thought. So simple. So wise. 

Spirit gave me this mantra to give to her as a way to understand what forgiveness is about. A seed that isn’t about the action of forgiveness as society or religious notions has deemed it, but how forgiveness simply happens as a result of letting go of incorrect beliefs given to you by others through their heinous actions.

Her inherited mis-belief was that she is not worthy based on the abuse she received in her life. That she must not be lovable based on what others said to her, done to her.

We often focus forgiveness of others rather than empower ourselves, and want to do what is ‘right’ as morally dictated. It is the ‘right thing’ to forgive others. It is righteous to act for others, rather than to act for ourselves. We may believe that in order to have peace in a relationship something needs to be done in regards to the other person. It’s simply not true.

When we focus on ourselves and our own empowerment, we are able to break free of judgement (others and your own) and understand that no matter what others do or say, we are worthy of love. 

It is to say to ourselves, “It doesn’t matter what other people said, or did to me, I KNOW I am worthy.”

It’s about taking back your own power from those who hurt you and deciding for yourself that you are lovable no matter what. To let go and no longer allow it to rule you. By empowering and loving yourself, others are automatically forgiven. 

Forgiveness is not an action. Self-empowerment is. Forgiveness is a byproduct of knowing your worth, no matter what.

Forgiveness Exercise

I know I just said forgiveness is not an action 🙂 but this exercise will ease the process.

1) Close your eyes. Ground and center. 

2) First, recognize the experience and pain that this person you’d like to forgive had given you. Where is it in your body? Tell your pain that you see it and feel it. Do this for 5 to 10 seconds.

3) Now, recognize the person that you’d like to forgive. Ask yourself – was this person in pain? What fears did they have? Were they passing their pain onto you? Simply give a nod of recognition. It doesn’t mean that it’s an excuse or it was okay. In as neutral as possible, recognize that they are human.

4) Say out loud “Despite it all, I am worthy. No matter what was said or done, I am worthy of my love.”

Say this mantra a few times and for the next few days or weeks – however long it takes. If you get emotional, let it out. It will help you release the emotion you’ve kept with you.

——

Much Gratitude to this woman for being my teacher. She taught me something very important about forgiveness, and I felt like it was her last gift to pass on. ….Until the next life. Love, Light & Peace to you. <3

⁠
In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

I channeled this story from my guide a few years back, when I was contemplating what it means to ‘be of service’.

There once was a holy man, a beloved pastor of sorts, who lived in a village a long, long time ago… He had a wife and many beautiful children. One day, in old age, the man went to his wife and unveiled a huge secret: he was a homosexual and he was in love.

The wife was taken aback, but something deep within her felt okay by it. She loved him, but their marriage had become one of good friends. They had beautiful children and grandchildren whom she loved caring for, and had recently taken on hobbies that she was passionately drawn into. Seeing the passion he had for this person gave her a sense of relief and in many ways, renewed her love for him, to see him so alive. She was okay with the idea of letting him go, to be with his new love. 

With her blessing, he moved into a cottage with his new partner. Rumblings within the village began to occur. Being a beloved pastor, some in the village knew his kind heart and was accepting of his new life immediately. Others, not so much. He was ridiculed, tormented by the disapproving villagers, but he kept living his life. Being a man of god, he continued to be a man of love and compassion, despite how they treated him.

Slowly, some villagers began to accept them. They could see in his everyday actions, that he was still the same beloved pastor. A loving person who was a joy to be around. They could see that this relationship was not a threat, quite the contrary. He seemed even more loving, happier, carefree, and settled. They began to change their views.

For those that did, they chose love. They chose to open their hearts in a way that was previously closed off with judgements, moral programmings of right and wrong, and in turn, they became more loving of themselves. These souls were forever changed. Yes, he was a spiritual teacher, but it wasn’t his teachings that changed them in this deep way. It was by being his true self. To live in his authenticity and be the expression of his truth. 

By doing so, he gifted the villagers a choice: will you choose love, or will you choose hate? 

It is this opportunity for choice that is the service work. 

Because, not all of the villagers accepted them, of course. But that’s not what the service work is about. It’s not about controlling them to change or to see the Light. And it’s not about perfectionism — getting everyone to change. Rather, it is living authentically and simply being himself and allowing others the opportunity to choose lovingness. If he did not come out, if he hid himself to not rock the boat, we’re not giving others the opportunity to open their minds and hearts. When we stay in the status quo, the opportunity doesn’t exist.

By being his true, authentic self, this man held space for healing, allowed for changed perspectives, and in the end — put more love into the world, and therefore increased the vibration of the world. 

This is how authenticity is service work.

When I channeled this story, tears came to my eyes. Although my authenticity journey is not about my sexual orientation, I resonated with the story in terms of ‘coming out.’ I knew I needed to be honest with friends and family about my spirituality, in all my woo-woo weirdness. It touched me deeply the notion that service work isn’t about doing necessarily. It can be about the things we do, but it can also simply be, being yourself.

That can mean being a person that is loving, but totally weird to others. All of the Tarot, the energy work, past life work, and not to mention the channeling of this story, is — to some — totally weird. But at the same time, it is my authenticity and truth. And as a Libra Sun, and a 9 on the Enneagram, being someone others think is ‘weird’ is completely frightening.

The thing is, this type of service work is simple, but not easy. When we’re called towards authenticity as our service work, we open ourselves to vulnerability. We allow others to see parts of us that may be rejected. It takes a lot of courage. And it’s quite the long game. It’s about grounding into who we are and giving others the opportunity to adjust themselves, by choosing love in acceptance, as they come to realizations in their own time. Not to mention that there are no guarantees that they will change, or that you will hear about their change on this Earthly plane.

It takes patience, dedication and faith. The good news is that it feels really freeing to be your authentic self. I often think back to the person I was who was constantly adjusting myself to be someone acceptable to others, and it was exhausting. I was constantly suppressing myself. Now, I’m just me — nothing to hide.

When I ‘came out’ to friends and family, our relationship was awkward at first. Some said they support me, but being empathic, I could feel they didn’t, exactly. I didn’t hold it against them. I was being a completely new person than what they expected from me — expectations that I had created. I was the one hiding myself from them, so allowing others to take time in adjusting to this me, is the least I could do.

Now, I can assuredly say that most of my relationships have come to a place of acceptance. In fact, our connection feels deeper and more intimate. In some cases, it allowed them to reveal things about themselves, opening the relationship to further common interests and bonding.

Some friendships couldn’t withstand the change, but I feel okay about releasing them and allowing them to be souls who traveled with me for a time, and now no longer. We all have people who come in for a time, and leave. And perhaps one day, they will re-enter, or perhaps they will have changed their minds about my weirdness without letting me know.

I wanted to put this perspective out there as it was very helpful to me. For those who feel like they’re called to ‘be of service’ – this terminology can be very confusing. “Service” implies we are doing something for others. But “be” is also simply that — to be. 

If you ever feel unsure of your purpose or your path, then take this message as one to take the pressure off yourself. I truly believe that it is part of every person in this world’s path to be authentically them. All you gotta do is be yourself, choose love — and that’s all. The World needs you to be who you are, and that’s it — you’re being of service! Simply be you.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

Dated: July 8, 2023

Last week, I had a miscarriage, I was 7 weeks and two days pregnant. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for 18 months and we had undergone two failed rounds of IVF, when we surprisingly became pregnant naturally, two months after our wedding celebration.

It was a miracle — and then — it was heartbreaking.

What followed was a short, but intense dark night of the soul moment for two solid hours as I laid in bed crying into my pillow.

What the point of it all? I wondered. I should just give up all I am pursuing. 

The despair gave way to thoughts of an ever-present core issue for me: my need to know.

“I don’t know anything,” repeated in my mind.  I had adopted the “I don’t know” mantra after our 2^nd failed IVF attempt, but I had forgotten about it.

I forgot that I don’t know anything.

After the positive pregnancy test, I thought that maybe I do know some things. That I figured some stuff out around the inner workings of the Universe. (As if we could ever know for sure!)

But now, here I am again, back to “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know” is humbling. Couple this with grief and what you have is an emptiness, a void. A letting go of everything one has ever learned about anything. A releasing of programmed thoughts, beliefs, learnings.

It’s disorienting, but it’s a gift. In that moment, I didn’t want to see it as a gift.

My naturally analytical mind wants to intellectualize and find meaning in it all. I want to know. I want to know why. What did I do, or not do, to cause this?

In a session with my mentor, I inquire about a spiritual reason. She asks me, what if there is no reason?

I thought about it and felt into my body.

If there was no reason, I would feel relieved — that’s what my body said.

If there is no meaning, there is no one to blame — including me.

If there is no meaning, then there is nothing for me to do, or not do.

If there is no meaning, then there is no right or wrong.

If there is no meaning, it allows me to let go.

I tell her this and we do some healing on shame of my body, and my need to intellectualize a reason. I feel a resonance in my heart when I let go of meaning.

I feel relieved.

“It’s the Mystery of Life”, she says. “How it happens. Despite all the biological and scientific advances, no one truly knows.”

She is right. It is a mystery, and it is beautiful.

As humans with minds, we’re uncomfortable with the mystery; we fear meaninglessness.

We search for it. Or to speak for myself, *I* search for it.

I want to ‘figure it out’ so that I can prove my intelligence. Feel like I understand the Universe. Have control over the uncontrollable.

It’s humbling to once again be reminded that I do not.

Meaninglessness has its perks. When things are meaningless, there’s no negativity or positivity. It’s neutral. Which doesn’t sound fun, but when one goes on an emotional rollercoaster, up and down, and around, neutral is nice. The highs and lows have made me feel alive, and I appreciate it in a strange way. I feel gratitude for feeling something, after shutting emotions down for decades of my life. But after a while, I need a bit of good old, boring neutral.

Neutral is nice.

Neutral is peace.

—

I don’t intend to stay in meaninglessness forever. I absolutely love deriving meaning. I adore it. Deriving meaning is one way I see and experience grace.

But meaninglessness and neutrality is also grace. Both can be true.

For now, I hold these opposites — this dichotomy — without judgement.

At the end of my life, perhaps I will look back and see it. After everything that happens, I can be the bird flying high that can see the overview, and get the meaning of it all.

But right now, in the middle of it, meaninglessness is medicine.

And I will swallow its bitter-sweetness in grace.

⁠
In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

Up until a few years ago, I had been suppressing much of my true desires.

I remember being a 4 or 5 year old little girl living in a tall building in Hong Kong and having this urge to push all of the buttons in the elevator. This is a very-annoying-to-adults desire that many kids that age want… (To a 4 year old brain, this is amazing! You push it, and it lights up, so why wouldn’t you want to? ✨😆)

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be a ‘good girl’ and I told myself that one day I’ll be an adult and I can do that whatever I want.

Except one day, I became an adult and I was so accustomed to “being good” and not listening to my desires, that I disconnected from that part of myself.

I could had listened to that inner desire, even if it was naughty. But I could hear my mother scolding me and calling me “Yiay-yiay” (naughty in Cantonese), which I never wanted to be. And so, I took all that “Yiay-yiay”-ness desire and stuffed it in into a jar labeled “Do not open” for a very long time.

Stuffing desires became my go-to habit.

As the years gone by, I developed a subconscious automatic strategy and took any desire and stuffed it in into an energetic jar, suppressing it, without feeling it, or taking a peek at what it could be.

This habit became like clock-work. I didn’t even need to think about it, because it was easier that way. This way, I never have to be “Yiay-yiay” to adult eyes — and if I’m never “Yiay-yiay”, I don’t have to defend myself for being naughty. I don’t have to be scolded, and therefore, feel unloved.

Instead of trying to pursue my true desires, I took on desires others wanted for me. As an adult, I pursued ego ambitions that were uncontroversial. Ambitions that would secure love, and avoid the unloving glare that signaled that I was I wasn’t being a good girl.

Years back at my corporate job, I remember waiting for the elevator on the way to work, and recalled that little girl who wanted to push all the buttons. I’m an adult now…. I can push all the buttons if I want! But as an adult, that sounds no fun at all. As a responsible adult, if I push all the buttons, I’d have to sit through every floor. …And I’ve seen enough things light up… it’s not new. It’s no fun anymore…. The desire had passed.

Now, I can see that each desire has a due date.

Each desire has a a distinct moment in time when it comes through our bodies.

Desires are meant to be received in present time. We receive each desire based on our present-time self; a potential, that when activated may lead to joy or a new path.

If we let the moment pass, the desire may shift. We may find we don’t want it anymore. Or are unable to act on it anymore.

It’s okay, really, because new desires will come, we don’t need to fret about those old desires. There’s no use holding onto that little girl desire, and all the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’s’ from a long time ago.

But rather, empowering ourselves by noticing today, to choose to be with our desires, so that we give ourselves the opportunity for joy, right now.

Of course not all desires can be fulfilled right now. Some desires take time and / or planning, and we can’t just fulfill it in this moment. Maybe we don’t know how to fulfill the desire, and it’s too big for us to do ourselves.

If it is something we truly want, then take a step towards it. It can be a big step or small step.

It can be a teeny-tiny step.

This tiny step may seem insignificant, but it is vital. It’s a way to communicate to the Universe and the Divine, “I am ready to embrace this desire.” It is a signal that you’re open to receiving help.

It may seem counterintuitive, but a tiny step is like a surrender… asking the Universe to show a way through.

If we make an effort, then so will the Universe.

But in order for all this to happen, we must first give ourselves permission to desire. To see and be aware of any tiny stuffing jars, that suppresses current-moment desires, so that we can embrace each desire as an opportunity for joy.

So what is it? — What do you desire? Listen in.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨

Hi Joe, it’s your wife, Bonnie. Here we are…. Almost a year after heading to Love Story Chapel, I get to proclaim our love once again, this time, in front of loved ones.

In the past year, I sometimes I would look over at you on the couch in awe… In my mind, I’d say to myself.. Wait, did I really marry Joe from SEGA? He’s my husband now. That’s so weird.

Back then, I didn’t really know you. I knew you were chill, for a lawyer. And I appreciated that you promptly sent the NDAs I asked you to. But I had no idea of your sweet, compassionate nature. Your big heart, your dedication to authenticity, and your amazing ability to communicate and listen. (despite occasional motor mouth tendencies)

I often want to shout out on the roof tops what our relationship is like, because it is so beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself. Sure, there are the things that you do. Washing every dish in the house, impromptu foot rubs, tucking me in every night, and ordering appetizers on the menu that you know I want but my ‘nine-ness’ would not ask for. And of course, all the silliness and fun we have being the hottest couple in Novato. But it’s mainly about how you make me feel and the person that you are.

In thinking about this first year of our marriage, the key word I feel is SAFE. That may not sound sexy to everyone, but oohhh… it is. The way you allow me the spectrum of my emotions, giving me permission to feel how I feel, I know I am emotionally safe. The way you ask for what I need, how I can be supported, and how you own your healthy masculine energy, I know I am physically safe. And the way you allow me to be who I am, listening to my ever-evolving truths without trying to change me, I know I am spiritually safe.

And so in my vows, I vow to do the same for you. I vow to learn from you, to be better at sharing my emotions, needs and desires. I vow to maintain a space for your Cancer self to be emo, sensitive, caring and protective. I vow to announce my grumpiness before it gets the better of me, so you may know where my Taurus moon stands. I vow to care for you, including cook you beans, rub your back and make sure the grape fairy is doing her job. And as per my previously stated vows, I will continue to listen to your stories, existential crises and effusive arguments, as well as vow to laugh at your jokes and your farts… and of course, let’s not forget…. I vow to never buy containers for your weed.

In the past few months, we’ve had our ups and downs. But those ups and downs have only shown me that my original decision to commit to you without a single doubt proved valid…  there’s no one else I’d rather travel into the mysterious unknown with. 5 years ago, when I sat across from you at your desk discussing Peanut Labs, I had no idea that you’d one day be my husband. And so, here we are. As we stand across from each other with family and friends gathered, we don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’ll happen, and all of the joys, sorrows, excitements, that are coming our way.  I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds, together with you.

I love you, my Joe-gong. Now, let’s party like nobody’s business.

-From Bonnie to Joe
May 6, 2023

💜🌈🌞✨

I was reading Tosha Silver’s It’s Not Your Money, when my solar plexus, 3rd chakra, became quite agitated. All sorts of anxiety came up.

Over the years, I have had a love-hate relationship with my 3rd chakra. Our 3rd chakra, located two inches above the belly button, rules our personal power, identity, and energy distribution. 

On a good day, our 3rd chakra is our place of empowerment, boundaries, and motivation. On a bad day, it is defensive, overly protective, egoic.

I felt my 3rd chakra knocking unhappy, as I read Tosha’s words like “It’s handling any burden — whether a desire, attachment, illness, finances, or anything — back to God.”

This surrender faith talk had me reeling with anxiety. I decided to stop, and close my eyes to have a chat with my 3rd.

Here is the conversation:

Me: Hey, third chakra, what’s up?

3rd Chakra: Ah.. I don’t know about this.

Me: You don’t know about what?

3rd Chakra: Letting go.

Me: Letting go of what? Control?

3rd Chakra: Yeah. My job is to protect you. I want to protect you.

Me: I understand. What do you need in order to feel safe?

3rd Chakra: Proof.

Me: Proof of what?

3rd Chakra: That it’s going to be okay.

Me: We can’t know for sure. We can’t be certain of the future.

3rd Chakra: Yeah, that’s true. Any proof would only be false proof. Can you just make it easier on me?

Me: How can I do that?

3rd Chakra: I’m glad you’re listening to me.

Me: I’m so glad, third chakra.

3rd Chakra: I want you to hear me. I want to know what’s going on. I’m a voice that wants to be heard.

Me: I will listen to you from now on.

3rd Chakra: I feel better, I can let it go.

Me: Good.

My third chakra wanted “proof” — proof that everything will be okay. This is old programming that says: before you make a decision, find proof. Proof it will turn out okay. Proof of success.

Except that the proof doesn’t actually exist. We think that the more proof we can get the safer we will be. We can be informed to the best of our ability, but when it comes down to it, it’s about just taking a jump — a leap of faith.

Faith and surrender carries no proof. And there are no guarantees. Only a feeling in our heart on whether we feel it’s the right direction.

Sometimes, I can intellectually understand, but inside my body, the programming still exists.

My poor ole’ 3rd chakra was holding that programming for me. Because she’s the center of my identity, she holds the voice of what I’ve been taught and believed for a long time.

As a former atheist and professional analyst, I was still holding onto the belief that we need concrete evidence, data, and the only thing we can rely on is our own ability. No one’s out there to help us. I believed that “faith is for suckers” who aren’t capable.

When I think back to that Bonnie, I realized that she was afraid.

But it’s okay. This proof-mongering belief protected me, which is what I needed at the time. It prevented me from getting hurt, being disappointed when things didn’t work out. If I relied on myself then I only have myself to blame.

Which meant, a whole lot of self-blaming. Which wasn’t fun.

These days, I’m finding that there is a balance between faith and reality in which we can exist.

This “need for proof” doesn’t really belong to either faith or reality. It’s old, and it no longer serves me

I’m ready to let it go, but first I had to recognize that I still held onto this belief.

And sometimes that’s all we need to do, in order to heal. Place our attention on what’s been buried within us. Giving it permission to surface.

Thank you, 3rd chakra, for holding and bring to my attention this old belief that I “need for proof” — I’m ready to let it go. 

Release.

⁠
In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨