Have you ever had one of those relationships where you feel judged by someone? I mean, I’m sure you have. Everyone has. Maybe they act cold around you, or say little things (or big things like be right out critical — but that’s a whole other article about boundaries).

As the holidays approach and we’re around more family, feelings of judgment can get more intense. For a few years now, I call going home for the holidays “Spiritual Bootcamp” — every year I test my spiritual prowess. Was I able to be neutral against my mom’s little judgy remarks? How many times did I get triggered? How many times did she make me feel like I’m 6 years old again, instead of the adult that I am.

Over the years, it’s gotten better, but it never completely goes away. As one of my teachers says, “If you’ve got no more issues, you’d be dead.” We’re all here to grow, learn, and be more conscious, or at least that’s what I’m here on Earth for. I’m also here for buttery mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole and roasted brussel sprouts (can you tell I’m ready for Thanksgiving?)

I’m taking a post-graduate class at my spiritual alma mater, Psychic Horizons and as I’m looking at my “issues” I realized that my feeling judged is a reflection of my own judgment running rampant in my mind. Just the fact that I am complaining about them judging me, shows that I am also judging them! It can feel good to our egos to judge others, especially if you’re feeling judged yourself. Deep down, my subconscious is fighting them: Oh yeah, you’re going to judge me? I’m going to judge you back! 

We may convince ourselves that our own thoughts are not harming anyone; they’re my private thoughts, I can think what I want. Although that’s partially true, these little judgments are intentions, and can invite more judgment in. And even though it makes our egos feel good to judge someone because then, we can feel like we’re better than them, judgment can block our hearts from opening. It can block love, joy, and all of that juicy stuff that feels even better than stroking our egos.

So then, what do we do? We can feel hurt by others’ judgments, but we can’t control the behavior of others. (Again, if someone is being super critical, then boundaries may be necessary, but even then, we can only do so much.) As I tuned into this issue, I was getting that it’s up to us to take ourselves out of the judgment tussle. If others want to judge me, then they’re doing them, nothing I can do about it. All I can do is not engage in the judgment tug-of-war. 

If you’re trying to get out of your own judgment tug-of-war situation with someone, try this:

Close your eyes and imagine the person who you feel judged by. Say to them in your mind, “I allow you to be who you are, in this present moment.”  Repeat it as necessary. Repeat it when you feel judged by them.

By allowing someone else to be who they are, just the way they are, judgment and all, we take ourselves out of the equation. We take our power back by not engaging.

Ultimately, if we are feeling judged and judging others, it is only mirroring our own judgment of ourselves. Are we perhaps not allowing ourselves to be who we are, just as we are, in this present moment? There’s no need to beat ourselves up over it, as judgment is a sneaky bugger. All we can do is become aware, more mindful, and choose to let go of the judgment. And steadily give ourselves more and more permission to be who we are. That is all we can do — and it is enough.

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In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨