For the first 30-something years of my life, I didn’t think I would change my name if I got married. As an independent gal with a fairly successful career, I didn’t need a man, and I didn’t want a man to “own” me.

Marriage as Patriarchy

The concept of marriage is tinged with patriarchy — for centuries, women were married off to a man’s family to serve ‘the man’ and his family. Women had no rights and no say as to what happens in their lives, with all of their power in her husband’s hands. In some places, this patriarchy is unfortunately still rampant.

I fully recognize my luck in living in a society with changed laws and philosophies where women have the right to choose their life. Despite our modern ideals, for a long time, I struggled with feeling like I lacked power. I believe that we as women inherited this disempowerment despite changes, through old programming, patriarchal systems that still exist — micro and macro. 

Beyond this, there’s something deep within us that is the modern woman’s struggle — it’s like it’s in our DNA just by simply being born / identifying as a woman. Even in my seemingly successful career, I struggled with power dynamics with the other men in my job and in my own romantic relationships. Feeling dismissed, I fought for respect and control, wanting recognition and validation in all areas of my life.

My power is mine to give away

It was a few years ago when a huge ‘aha’ moment came as I struggled with my relationships at my male-dominated workplace. It may be true that some men do not respect me and do not want to recognize and validate me — but this desire is completely futile. I disempower myself by expecting their respect. Only I can give myself that respect, recognition and validation — and a question came up in my mind: am I respecting myself?

I am not respecting myself when I demand something that’s out of my control. If I give myself the respect I deserve, it doesn’t matter that some men aren’t willing to give it to me. By wanting their respect, I give them my power. Power can only be taken from me, if I give it away. By wanting their respect, their recognition, their validation, I hand my power over to them by allowing others to define whether I deserve respect.

Reclaiming my Feminine Power

And so, I reclaimed my power — it is around this time that I began to understand feminine power. My feminine power comes from a place of deep confidence and knowing that I deserve respect, not because of what I’ve done or some proof of my abilities — but that I deserve respect just by simply being a human being. 

 In our society, we are taught to use toxic masculine energy to get what we want — this energy causes us to be demanding and forceful. Of course no one teaches us that these methods don’t make us happy. In fact, it makes us quite miserable — only feeding the ego, which always wants more.

Feminine power is receptive and in flow. It is so powerful that it uses stillness to attract to us love and abundance. It isn’t about what we do, but our intention. The feminine is our intention, it is beyond the action, but the intention behind our action — when filled with love, the power of intention is unstoppable.

I have been living my life with this understanding for a while now, and it’s been life changing. To take back my power and reconcile the feminine within me, and how I had been denying an internal desire to embrace this flow, especially as a cis woman. 

My husband does not own me; I know it, and he knows it.

When I started dating my husband, I had a gut feeling early on that this was the man I was going to marry, and me taking his name was a natural intuitive knowing that came in as “simply it”. This knowing is rooted in the masculine / feminine dynamics that makes our relationship so juicy. (A hard-learned concept that will take more than a few sentences to explain — so I will leave that for another time.)

In taking his name, I am receiving my husband’s name. He does not own me, and he knows it, and I know it. In this open heart energy, I attracted and chose someone who would never “own” a woman in this way. Our mutual intention in having the same name is to show we are a family unit. For some people, changing their name is about tradition, but for me, it’s about our present time decision to be together and co-partners in creating a life together in interdependence.

Creating my own intention behind a tradition

It’s interesting the empowerment one can experience when we flip the lens, neutralizing what something can mean based on society’s rules and meanings for a particular tradition. For much of my life, I was anti-tradition in more ways than whether I’d take my partner’s last name. But in the last few years, I realized that most traditions are created from a good place. The root and original reason why the tradition was created in the first place was meant to be helpful. It’s the taking it to the extreme, or forcing — the lack of freedom imposed by others that covers the Light of the tradition. When anything is forced on someone, even with good intentions — the Light becomes dark.

My identity and words are temporary

In our particular relationship, I feel it in my heart and soul that when my husband gives me his name, and I receive his name, it doesn’t mean that I must give myself up — I am not losing myself, because it is up to me to lose it. In this way, a name is simply a word, it is not my true self which cannot be taken by anybody. Words are applied meanings by our human minds, and they may reflect something on this earthly plane, but ultimately, a word is simply a word. A word means nothing in spiritual realms; it is the intention that god sees.

My intention is for us to be together as a love-filled family unit on this earthly plane until we become dust — thereafter, all that’s left is the intention of love.

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With that said, these are my opinions, and I totally understand why you may not want to change your name in a marriage. I wanted to put this perspective out there. Choice is empowerment. And the choice is always yours!

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In gratitude, Bonnie
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