Recently, there was a misunderstanding between me and a colleague. They weren’t mean about it  — but my clairsentience could empathically sense their displeasure. In the past, my sensitivity would have made me cower. I would have felt bad, quickly bringing up scripts in my head about how I am not good enough, which would then fuel an adrenaline rush of fervor to make it right. The energy spent would no way match the size of the misunderstanding — It was an exhausting way of being.

Having let go of these debilitating old scripts, my first thought was “It’s not that important. Nothing is really that important.” My next thought was, “Whoa.” As if I was in The Matrix, my mind entered an existential black hole of nothingness. It felt disorienting, but also liberating. The black hole whispered — NOTHING MATTERS — it was amazing.

In this black hole of nothingness, I could see how we put pressure on ourselves by assigning importance to things. For a time, I thought getting promotions, going to expensive restaurants and having a “perfect life” were important. I look back at the Bonnie of my early-30s who thought the research I did at my corporate job was really important and now I wonder — Wait… What was so important about it? I think back to old bosses who’d tell me projects, deadlines and presentations were important. Now I’m perplexed by why I would have believed them. 

Of course some people do important things like provide for the impoverished or negotiate world peace. But overall, most of the things that I do are not that important, or at least not so important that one bad move means everything comes crumbling down. I suppose surviving a pandemic and a year plus of masks, vaccinations and hoarding toilet paper asks us the question — what’s really important?

In this black hole of nothingness, I see all of the anxiety that was produced trying to achieve things that I had bestowed as important. I placed a pressure on myself to live up to the expectations that I created.

Of course this expectation came from somewhere. I wasn’t born with it as an innocent little baby, asking for a raise during diaper changes. We are influenced by those around us — especially our family, teachers, friends, coworkers… (basically everyone) — as to what’s important. As babies, we didn’t have much that was important besides eating and pooping, and so, others gave us what they thought was important.

This is what’s crazy. In the black hole of nothingness, I can see how at any moment, we can re-choose. We can decide that we no longer want this pressure and stop taking it on. In this choice, there may be grieving, disappointment and anger. Old emotions may surface; after ignoring our emotions we tend to shovel it in a storage container within our bodies and try to forget about it. The feelings were trying to wake us up — what we were unwilling to feel will always be knocking on our bodily door until we get the message.

I know the idea that “Nothing matters” can sound cynical. But just for a moment, try to see it another way: “Nothing matters” is awesome. When nothing matters, we can relax a bit. We can hang our hats, put our feet up and not worry about getting things done. If it doesn’t come out perfect, it doesn’t matter… because nothing matters.

Of course, “Nothing matters” is only a half truth that we humans can only dwell in for a limited passage of time. It’s kinda like taking a ride at Epcot. It’s fun for a while, but us humans are not meant to be on a dark roller coaster for that long. 

After a while, we must leave the dark hole of nothingness and decide: What’s important to us? What do we value? It’s up to us to choose. Hint: Don’t choose the thing that gives you anxiety. Go for the thing that feels good. If you don’t know how to choose — close your eyes — Your heart will tell you. 

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In gratitude, Bonnie
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