The other day, I was at a Loft clothing store. As the sales woman told me about the deals of the day, I felt uncomfortable. Stories began to trickle into my brain about my discomfort.

Thoughts like “I probably make people uncomfortable because I’m Asian.” I didn’t know this for sure, and yet, there the thought was. When you’re Asian American, thoughts like this come in often when you’re in a place where there are no other Asians around. I shooed the thought away. As Byron Katie would ask — “Is it true? Do you know for certain it’s true?”

No, I do not know if it’s true. And so it was pointless to think the thought; I was only hurting myself by thinking it.

Clearly, I was projecting.

I browsed around and tried on a pair of shorts. 

This just isn’t me, I thought. And I left.

Today, I was at a Goodwill Thrift Shop. There were all types of people at the Goodwill. Asians, Latinx, Whites, Blacks. As I was looking through the summer dresses, I found it interesting that I felt like I belonged there… at this grungy Goodwill shop. 

And then, I was hit by a realization:

That feeling of “I don’t belong here.” It’s not meant to invalidate you. It’s a message. Go find where you do belong. Not everything is for you. And that’s okay.

It blew my mind as I thought about the other day, feeling uncomfortable at the Loft store. I felt like I didn’t belong there, but — why do I need to? 

I don’t need to fit in everywhere. I had always thought me not belonging had to do with other people not making me feel welcomed. But — maybe the discomfort is also trying to tell me, *I* don’t want to be here. So why be here?

If someone’s being racist and it’s somewhere you want to be, then by all means, fight for your right to be there. Now that I’m older, I feel like — why do I want to be somewhere that’s racist (if they are), when there are places who are willing to accept me? Places where I feel comfortable and can be myself.

There was a time in my life when I shopped at Loft stores, and I felt like I belonged. I was a career woman and the style appealed to me. In that same period in my life, I would had never set foot in a Goodwill. The idea of buying second hand grossed me out a bit.

Now, I’ve flipped the script. Why buy expensive, new stuff, when there’s perfectly fine used clothing, waiting for a person to wear it, while donating to a good cause? 

It’s funny the stories we sometimes create in our minds when the feeling of discomfort or anxiety comes in. Sometimes, that feeling is just trying to say…. This isn’t for me. 

It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes it’s for you. Sometimes it’s not. It can even have been for you in a different time of life, and now it’s not.

As Asian Americans, we comprise of 5.4% of the US population. “Not belonging” is a feeling all Asian Americans have felt; it’s certainly been a big issue in the early parts of my life. Now that I’ve lived in America for 35 years, I rarely feel like I don’t belong. And it’s not because I am surrounded by all Asians. In fact, sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I am surrounded by only Asians. 

I don’t know what it is. You just know sometimes, that you’re in a safe place. A place where you can relax and be yourself. It could be all white. All black. Or a mix of people. It’s not about race. It’s about mentality and attitude, and our own attitude about our surroundings, and the stories we tell ourselves.

If you feel like you don’t belong, keep looking. Take back your power by choosing to be where you want to be.

Watch for the stories that run through your mind. Ask yourself — are they true? 

Let go of the need to belong everywhere. Sometimes it’s actually this need that keeps us trapped as an outsider. When we accept not everything in the world is for us, we accept ourselves for who we are.

 And when you do… poof! Like magic. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

Sending love to anyone who needs it.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨