I saw this Rumi quote and it’s been on my mind. “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

So true. 

The first 30-something years of my life, I spent it creating walls, barricades, castle-like structures to ward myself against love, even though it’s the very thing I desired.

I’ve spent the last decade dismantling these barriers brick by brick, in order to fully embrace the love that exists in my heart for myself and others. And to open my heart wide enough to receive the love of others. It was hard work — but it was all so worth it.

Why do we create barriers to love?

We create barriers to love to protect ourselves and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’ve had a difficult childhood, we create defense mechanisms to deal with the love we weren’t given or expected. 

Before we were born into this Earth, we were basking in the Divine’s unconditional love, and so as babies that’s what we remember. It’s quite a wake up call when we’re here on Earth getting yelled at for the smallest of injustices, eg: when we spill our milk or for not practicing the piano — not very unconditional love-like. These human constructs are created through living on Earth in an imperfect world with imperfect parents who are stressed.  As children we may think of our parents as god-like, but clearly, they are not! Even the most loving of parents have their own set of fluctuating emotions and may throw negative energies towards us, even though deep down they love us with all their hearts. 

Or perhaps your parents were abusive towards you and / or did not give you the love you deserve. They were reacting to their own unhealed pain which they have now transmitted onto you, which is not an excuse. No one has the right to abuse you. But you were clever and created coping mechanisms to survive through the abuse. How amazing you are to have done it! These defense mechanisms were built because you needed to get through it somehow. This is a kind of strength — a tenacity to overcome despite how you were treated.

As we become adults and enter into relationships, additional hurts may cause us to refine our barriers. We use the barriers created from childhood and perhaps a few more to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

How do we thwart love?

My mother had a temper growing up, and so I spent my childhood managing my mother’s anger. My mind was always wondering: what can I say, or do so that she wouldn’t be angry and avoid her wrath.

A coping mechanism and barrier I created was to be extremely accommodating. I was accommodating to everyone. My mother, my family, my partners, my friends, I accommodated them by never having an opinion or desire that may be different from theirs. 

Although on the surface, it may seem loving to always be accommodating; it’s not. When we accommodate others only, we shut down our own desires and needs, therefore shutting down our own self-love. 

When we’re accommodating, we only give, and never receive. By not receiving from others, we don’t allow others to give us their love, instead we block it from coming in. 

And as I’ve learned, love doesn’t only come from generosity, but can at times be in the form of setting boundaries. Not only are boundaries a form of self-love, it is also a medicine the other person needs in order to awaken to their own unloving behavior.

Ask yourself, how do you thwart love? Here are some ways I’ve discovered:

• Accommodating others, never yourself
• Not receiving, only giving
• Not setting boundaries
• Ultra independence 
• Not sharing our feelings, joys or sorrows
• Hiding when we have a problem
• Not getting help when we need it
• Being controlling in relationships
• Expecting perfection in others and self

In my own life, after realizing I was being a doormat, I put up lots of boundaries. I tried to control my experience in relationships and with others with expectations so high that no one could fill it. This is also a barrier to love, but on the other spectrum where the criterias and expectations are so thick, it becomes impenetrable and no love can pass through the wall we create.

This is not to say you should have no expectations or else your needs may not be met. We all have a core set of non-negotiables that is not about being defensive, but rather values that reflect our own self-love. But at times, we may become so hurt by others that nothing is good enough and we create insurmountable conditions so that no one is let in at the gates of our hearts at all.  

As you can see, barriers to love can come in many sizes and shapes. 

How do we heal our barriers?

Grieve.

First of all, allow yourself to grieve what happened. Perhaps at the time, it wasn’t safe to show emotion and you weren’t able to grieve the love you didn’t receive. As an adult, find a safe space to grieve. Perhaps it’s on your own, in your bedroom, with a box of tissues and some ice-cream. Perhaps it’s with a trusted friend, therapist or counselor. 

These barriers to love were strategies we created so that we can cope and not create more danger or abuse from others. Be gentle with yourself and know that you did what you needed to do in order to survive.

Awareness and open to love

As you heal, be aware of how these barriers show up in your life. Does someone offer you help, and you refuse? Do you find yourself hiding your emotions when they’re screaming to be heard? Are you controlling of others, setting unrealistic expectations?

When you see it, reflect on it, and change your behavior. Realize that when someone offers you help and you refuse it, you may be shutting their love from coming in. You may feel anxious or nervous, because it’s a vulnerable position to allow someone to love you. It can be incredibly difficult when we have spent our whole lives barricading ourselves from allowing others to see our vulnerability.

Give yourself permission to do this very slowly.

There’s no rush. It’s scary. But if we’re able to take one step towards opening ourselves to love — the love others want to give us and the love we want to give ourselves — we begin to see that it’s not so bad. In fact, it feels pretty darn amazing to be able to access our own love and experience love from others.

Slowly, we dismantle the walls we build for ourselves — so that we may experience the love we deserve. 

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨