Up until a few years ago, I had been suppressing much of my true desires.

I remember being a 4 or 5 year old little girl living in a tall building in Hong Kong and having this urge to push all of the buttons in the elevator. This is a very-annoying-to-adults desire that many kids that age want… (To a 4 year old brain, this is amazing! You push it, and it lights up, so why wouldn’t you want to? ✨😆)

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be a ‘good girl’ and I told myself that one day I’ll be an adult and I can do that whatever I want.

Except one day, I became an adult and I was so accustomed to “being good” and not listening to my desires, that I disconnected from that part of myself.

I could had listened to that inner desire, even if it was naughty. But I could hear my mother scolding me and calling me “Yiay-yiay” (naughty in Cantonese), which I never wanted to be. And so, I took all that “Yiay-yiay”-ness desire and stuffed it in into a jar labeled “Do not open” for a very long time.

Stuffing desires became my go-to habit.

As the years gone by, I developed a subconscious automatic strategy and took any desire and stuffed it in into an energetic jar, suppressing it, without feeling it, or taking a peek at what it could be.

This habit became like clock-work. I didn’t even need to think about it, because it was easier that way. This way, I never have to be “Yiay-yiay” to adult eyes — and if I’m never “Yiay-yiay”, I don’t have to defend myself for being naughty. I don’t have to be scolded, and therefore, feel unloved.

Instead of trying to pursue my true desires, I took on desires others wanted for me. As an adult, I pursued ego ambitions that were uncontroversial. Ambitions that would secure love, and avoid the unloving glare that signaled that I was I wasn’t being a good girl.

Years back at my corporate job, I remember waiting for the elevator on the way to work, and recalled that little girl who wanted to push all the buttons. I’m an adult now…. I can push all the buttons if I want! But as an adult, that sounds no fun at all. As a responsible adult, if I push all the buttons, I’d have to sit through every floor. …And I’ve seen enough things light up… it’s not new. It’s no fun anymore…. The desire had passed.

Now, I can see that each desire has a due date.

Each desire has a a distinct moment in time when it comes through our bodies.

Desires are meant to be received in present time. We receive each desire based on our present-time self; a potential, that when activated may lead to joy or a new path.

If we let the moment pass, the desire may shift. We may find we don’t want it anymore. Or are unable to act on it anymore.

It’s okay, really, because new desires will come, we don’t need to fret about those old desires. There’s no use holding onto that little girl desire, and all the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’s’ from a long time ago.

But rather, empowering ourselves by noticing today, to choose to be with our desires, so that we give ourselves the opportunity for joy, right now.

Of course not all desires can be fulfilled right now. Some desires take time and / or planning, and we can’t just fulfill it in this moment. Maybe we don’t know how to fulfill the desire, and it’s too big for us to do ourselves.

If it is something we truly want, then take a step towards it. It can be a big step or small step.

It can be a teeny-tiny step.

This tiny step may seem insignificant, but it is vital. It’s a way to communicate to the Universe and the Divine, “I am ready to embrace this desire.” It is a signal that you’re open to receiving help.

It may seem counterintuitive, but a tiny step is like a surrender… asking the Universe to show a way through.

If we make an effort, then so will the Universe.

But in order for all this to happen, we must first give ourselves permission to desire. To see and be aware of any tiny stuffing jars, that suppresses current-moment desires, so that we can embrace each desire as an opportunity for joy.

So what is it? — What do you desire? Listen in.

In gratitude, Bonnie
💜🌈🌞✨